Why We Push Away the People We Love

If you’ve ever caught yourself shutting down, picking a fight, or pulling away from someone you deeply care about, you’re not alone.

And you’re not broken.

In fact, I see this all the time in couples therapy:
People come in frustrated, confused, and hurt.
One says:

“I just want to feel close to them.”
The other responds:
“Then why does it feel like you’re always pushing me away?”

It’s one of the most painful and confusing things about relationships.
When we finally get the closeness, connection, and safety we want something inside us tightens instead of softening.

This Isn’t About Love. It’s About Protection.

What most people don’t realize is that when we push someone away, we’re usually not trying to hurt them.
We’re trying to protect something vulnerable inside ourselves.

The closer someone gets to our most tender parts like our fears, our needs, and our sense of worth, the more likely it is that old defenses come online.

Defenses aren’t always bad behavior to fix. They can be creative, protective strategies. They were built to survive emotional risk, and often, we are doing the best we can with what we learned early on.

Common Defenses in Relationships (That Don’t Always Look Like Defenses)

Here are a few protective strategies I see show up again and again in couples:

• Withdrawal / Emotional Detachment
  “I don’t want to fight, so I just go numb or disappear.”
  Often learned in homes where emotional intensity felt overwhelming or unsafe.

• Criticism / Control
  “If I can get them to do it right, then I’ll finally feel safe.”
  Underneath is often a fear of abandonment or emotional chaos.

• Sarcasm / Intellectualizing
  “If I can make a joke of this or analyze it to death, I won’t have to feel it.”
  Protects from vulnerability by staying in the head, not the heart.

• Shame-Based Self-Blame
  “If I’m the problem, then at least I have some control.”
  Learned when love felt conditional or tied to performance.

• Avoidance of Intimacy
  “I want connection, but when it starts to happen, I panic.”
  Often shows up in people with anxious-avoidant attachment histories.

And here's the thing: these strategies usually made perfect sense at some point in your life, and they actually worked.

They helped you survive emotional environments that didn’t feel fully safe, consistent, or attuned.
But in adult relationships, those same strategies can backfire, especially when both partners are protecting and neither feels truly seen.

Defenses Are Adaptive… Until They Aren’t

 Defenses are meaningful adaptations of where you had to find a workaround to stay in relationship.

But as we grow, defenses that once kept us safe can become walls that keep others out.

The very moment that calls for softness and closeness might be the moment your system says: “This is too risky.”

It’s not because you don’t love your partner.
It’s because your body remembers what it felt like to need and not receive.
To love and be disappointed.
To be vulnerable and unprotected.

In the Therapy Room, We Listen Differently

In relational psychotherapy, we’re not trying to strip away defenses or shame them into submission.

Instead, we get curious.

We wonder together:

• What part of you is trying to protect you right now?

• Where did this strategy first make sense?

• What is this defense afraid will happen if you let it go?

Often, the answer is incredibly tender.

“If I let myself need them, and they don’t come through, I’ll fall apart.”
“If I show them how much I care, and they leave, I won’t be alone.”
“If I stay quiet, I don’t have to risk hearing that I’m too much.”

Once we slow things down and hear the fear under the defense, the relationship starts to shift.

Defenses Begin in Relationship—And Heal There, Too

One of the hardest truths is also one of the most hopeful:
We learned to protect ourselves in relationship. And we can learn to trust again in relationship, too.

When couples begin to name and understand each other’s defenses, not as flaws, but as signs of old pain, something softens. There’s more room for compassion. Less blaming. More safety to show up with the raw stuff.

It’s not quick work. But it’s deeply human.

A Personal Note

If you find yourself pushing away the person you love, try offering yourself some gentleness first. That push isn’t cruelty, it’s caution.

It means something inside you still wants to be protected.

And if you’re the partner being pushed away, try to remember: the withdrawal, the anger, the shutting down, these are strategies, not the whole story.

There’s almost always something underneath.

 Want support decoding your defenses—together?

I work with couples and individuals who are tired of repeating the same painful patterns and ready to understand what’s happening underneath.

If you're ready to explore why you protect yourself the way you do, and what it might mean to feel safe with someone else, let’s talk.

Feel free to reach out, and schedule a free consultation.

You don’t have to keep pushing love away.

What is Trauma? Part 3 Healing

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to remember, or to “move on,” or to “ignore it.” In fact, those attempts often keep the wound from healing. Your past traumatic experiences are something to tend to, to be with, to listen to.

There are parts of ourselves, our anger, grief, sadness, tenderness, even joy, that might get pushed down and out of awareness because at some point, those felt too dangerous or scary, or unsafe to express. Healing is about safely and authentically reconnecting to those parts of yourself that had to go into hiding. It’s about being seen by someone who can hold your story without judgement. Its about learning that you and your feelings aren’t bad or wrong even if you were once told otherwise.

Here are 5 ways you can begin to take steps toward healing.

1. Listening inward with curiosity, not judgement.

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” Try asking “What happened to me?” or “What am I carrying?”

2. Notice your body’s language.

Trauma often lives in the body. You might start to notice:

When do I tense up, shut down, or feel numb?

What does safety feel like, and when/what/how do I feel like I lose it?

You don’t have to interpret everything. Just start noticing.

3. Find one safe relationship.

We heal from trauma in relationship not in isolation. If there is someone you trust, even just a little, try being a little more open with them about how you’re feeling.

4. Let go of any timelines.

Healing doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days will feel like progress, others will feel like taking a few steps backwards. Take a breath and trust that this is part of the process.

5. Remind yourself you deserve to heal.

Trauma isn’t about how bad the thing was. Its about how alone you felt. If it hurt, if it shaped you, if its still echoing inside you… IT MATTERS.

If something resonated with you while reading this, I want you to know, that part of you deserves care.

You don’t have to figure everything out at once. You don’t have to be ready to dive into the whole story. You just have to be willing to listen to the parts of you that have been hidden.

Sometimes healing begins not with a grand decision, but with a “I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

If you ever feel ready, reaching out to someone like a therapist or a trusted person can be the beginning of not erasing your story but the weaving of a new one where all of you gets to exist.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 2 Signs of Trauma

Dr. Gabor Moté said it well, “Trauma is not just what happened to you. It’s what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

Trauma doesn’t always shout, sometimes it whispers through our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. And unlike a physical wound that can easily be seen, the psychological and emotional wounds we sustain can be harder to recognize, because our wounds often hide in the adaptations we made to survive.

How we adapted at a young age such as, shutting down, pleasing others, being acutely aware of other people’s emotions, highly skilled at reading body language, over working or achieving, etc, is how we stayed connected with others in order to survive.

So what are some of the more common signs of trauma?

• Feeling like you have to stay “on” all the time, even when you are exhausted.

• Finding yourself disconnected from others, from your own feelings, and even from your own body.

• Having difficulty trusting others, or feeling safe in relationships.

• Blaming yourself when things go wrong even when it’s not your fault. Or being perfectionistic.

• Being drawn to people or situations that hurt, with or without fully understanding why.

• Wanting closeness, but pulling away when you find you are getting close.

• Living with a deep, almost invisible loneliness, even when you are surrounded by others.

• Constantly feeling like you are not good enough, or lovable. Or feeling like you are too much for people.

• Having negative self talk.

• Carrying a shame based view of yourself, or deep sense that something is wrong with you.

If any of this resonates with you, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you’re “making a big deal out of nothing.” It means you found creative ways to protect yourself.

And now, maybe, there is a part of you that is ready for something different.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 1 What is Trauma?

Trauma.What came to mind when you read that word?

Was it war? Violence? A major accident? Abuse?

If it was, you wouldn’t be alone. The more I talk with people, it’s the major events that seem to be most associated with the word trauma. And for good reason. War, Abuse, Violence, Racism, Poverty, Neglect and their link with trauma have been well studied and documented.

However, trauma isn’t just the big terrible events that happen to us. Sometimes, trauma can be found in what didn’t happen.

We get the word trauma from the Greek word traûma, which means “wound.” Originally it was meant for physical injuries. It didn’t matter if the injury was caused by a blow from battle, or a thousand paper cuts, it was called trauma. It wasn’t the event that determined the physical trauma one had sustained, it was the wound itself that was called trauma. Over time this word has evolved to include psychological and emotional wounds as well.

Some of the deepest, most lasting wounds come from consistent everyday misattunements. These are when a parent is too stressed or overwhelmed to notice your sadness. Perhaps being criticized instead of comforted when you were scared. Or having to hide parts of yourself like anger, tenderness, creativity, wildness, curiosity, sadness, spunk, etc. in order to stay connected to the people you loved and needed the most.

Maybe no one meant to hurt you. Most likely they were struggling or even wounded themselves. And what was slowly and silently absorbed without words was, I am wrong to feel what I feel, its not ok to be fully me, its not safe to need this much.

What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.

What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes                                         

Why We Fight With The People We Love The Most

Great short video of why we fight with the people we love the most. The heart of what intimacy can mean starts at about 2:19.

How can I tell if my relationship is in trouble?

How can I tell if my marriage/relationship is in trouble?

I hear this question asked from time to time in therapy, and it is a valid question. Most people believe since they fight that their relationship is coming to the inevitable end. But fighting isn't always the reason relationships don't last., In fact many couples are stunned when I tell them fighting can actually strengthen a relationship, if both people are able to turn towards one another and repair, rather than staying a distance while defending or attacking. 

In this video, Dr. Sue Johnson explains the science behind what can keep couples together, and what can dissolve their relationship. It is worth watching the 5:45 video. And if you and/or your partner are asking yourself if the end of the relationship is near, there is hope to have a healthy and thriving relationship if both of you are wanting and willing to work at it. I would be happy to answer any questions you have or talk with you over the phone to see if therapy would be a good fit. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Why every healthy realtionship needs boundaries

I know these two couples.

One is working toward a thriving, vibrant relationship. This couple continues to work through their anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment and loss, and is developing more connection through it all.

One continues arguing, and wonders if the misery will ever end.

Both of these couples entered into therapy because it was their last effort at trying to make the relationship work. We all have gotten to a place where we have felt:

Dismissed

Devalued

Disappointed

Abandoned

Betrayed

Insignificant  

Unloved

And we have all wanted our spouse or partner to deeply love us and respect us.

Both couples had so much built up resentment and contempt. Anger and attacking words flowed out of their mouths like venom, looking to destroy their partner. And as they expressed their contempt and disappointment, both couples seemed to use similar language.

“I did everything for them.” “I gave them so much.”

“I worked so hard for them.” “They didn’t notice when I…”

“I was always there for them.” “I could never win with them.”

“They never appreciated…”

There were boundaries being crossed and over time, crossed boundaries build resentment. It is difficult to have genuine love and care for someone, while they are violating your boundaries. In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as:

“what is ok and what is not ok.”

We all have boundaries, what we are ok with and what we are not ok with. One sign of a healthy relationship is when couples are able to acknowledge, communicate, and honor those boundaries. There will always be those people who continue to violate our boundaries, and we will have to hold them accountable for the way they treat us. Yes, this takes courage and work to initiate, and it may feel scary and overwhelming. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that it’s easier to blame and live in resentment. But it actually takes more vital energy to live in this resentment and we degrade our self-worth. Choosing what is healthy for us over what is easy or comfortable can be difficult, and it is also more life giving.

So how do you create boundaries?

When creating boundaries remember to start small, and with relatively neutral topics at first.

1)     It’s important to recognize and understand what you are feeling.

Clear boundaries starts with knowing how we feel. Take some time by yourself and reflect on how you are feeling. Then write down what happened and how it made you feel so you can articulate it. Example: “When I am not included in making plans for the dinner, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

2)     Recognize how your boundaries have been violated and what you might need.

Now process what you wrote down, and see how your boundaries were crossed. Write that down. Example: “It’s not ok with me when I am not asked or included. I need to be included in making decision by being asked and considered.”   

3)     Have support in place.

When boundaries are being formed there can often be 1) feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and/or fear from you, and 2) retaliation from the other person. A support system can help you stay grounded, help comfort, and remind you that you are worth the effort. This can be family, church, therapist, coworker, or friend.

4)     Be brave, and communicate your boundaries.

If you find your partner wanting to argue, be defensive, or retaliate, those are indications your partner is not respecting your boundary or your self-worth. Stay out of resentment and disappointment by not giving in and by blaming less. Remember boundaries are not just a sign of healthy relationships; they are also a sign of healthy well-being.

If you would like to know more about boundaries or if you would like to start couples counseling, click here to schedule an appointment.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life