Why We Push Away the People We Love

If you’ve ever caught yourself shutting down, picking a fight, or pulling away from someone you deeply care about, you’re not alone.

And you’re not broken.

In fact, I see this all the time in couples therapy:
People come in frustrated, confused, and hurt.
One says:

“I just want to feel close to them.”
The other responds:
“Then why does it feel like you’re always pushing me away?”

It’s one of the most painful and confusing things about relationships.
When we finally get the closeness, connection, and safety we want something inside us tightens instead of softening.

This Isn’t About Love. It’s About Protection.

What most people don’t realize is that when we push someone away, we’re usually not trying to hurt them.
We’re trying to protect something vulnerable inside ourselves.

The closer someone gets to our most tender parts like our fears, our needs, and our sense of worth, the more likely it is that old defenses come online.

Defenses aren’t always bad behavior to fix. They can be creative, protective strategies. They were built to survive emotional risk, and often, we are doing the best we can with what we learned early on.

Common Defenses in Relationships (That Don’t Always Look Like Defenses)

Here are a few protective strategies I see show up again and again in couples:

• Withdrawal / Emotional Detachment
  “I don’t want to fight, so I just go numb or disappear.”
  Often learned in homes where emotional intensity felt overwhelming or unsafe.

• Criticism / Control
  “If I can get them to do it right, then I’ll finally feel safe.”
  Underneath is often a fear of abandonment or emotional chaos.

• Sarcasm / Intellectualizing
  “If I can make a joke of this or analyze it to death, I won’t have to feel it.”
  Protects from vulnerability by staying in the head, not the heart.

• Shame-Based Self-Blame
  “If I’m the problem, then at least I have some control.”
  Learned when love felt conditional or tied to performance.

• Avoidance of Intimacy
  “I want connection, but when it starts to happen, I panic.”
  Often shows up in people with anxious-avoidant attachment histories.

And here's the thing: these strategies usually made perfect sense at some point in your life, and they actually worked.

They helped you survive emotional environments that didn’t feel fully safe, consistent, or attuned.
But in adult relationships, those same strategies can backfire, especially when both partners are protecting and neither feels truly seen.

Defenses Are Adaptive… Until They Aren’t

 Defenses are meaningful adaptations of where you had to find a workaround to stay in relationship.

But as we grow, defenses that once kept us safe can become walls that keep others out.

The very moment that calls for softness and closeness might be the moment your system says: “This is too risky.”

It’s not because you don’t love your partner.
It’s because your body remembers what it felt like to need and not receive.
To love and be disappointed.
To be vulnerable and unprotected.

In the Therapy Room, We Listen Differently

In relational psychotherapy, we’re not trying to strip away defenses or shame them into submission.

Instead, we get curious.

We wonder together:

• What part of you is trying to protect you right now?

• Where did this strategy first make sense?

• What is this defense afraid will happen if you let it go?

Often, the answer is incredibly tender.

“If I let myself need them, and they don’t come through, I’ll fall apart.”
“If I show them how much I care, and they leave, I won’t be alone.”
“If I stay quiet, I don’t have to risk hearing that I’m too much.”

Once we slow things down and hear the fear under the defense, the relationship starts to shift.

Defenses Begin in Relationship—And Heal There, Too

One of the hardest truths is also one of the most hopeful:
We learned to protect ourselves in relationship. And we can learn to trust again in relationship, too.

When couples begin to name and understand each other’s defenses, not as flaws, but as signs of old pain, something softens. There’s more room for compassion. Less blaming. More safety to show up with the raw stuff.

It’s not quick work. But it’s deeply human.

A Personal Note

If you find yourself pushing away the person you love, try offering yourself some gentleness first. That push isn’t cruelty, it’s caution.

It means something inside you still wants to be protected.

And if you’re the partner being pushed away, try to remember: the withdrawal, the anger, the shutting down, these are strategies, not the whole story.

There’s almost always something underneath.

 Want support decoding your defenses—together?

I work with couples and individuals who are tired of repeating the same painful patterns and ready to understand what’s happening underneath.

If you're ready to explore why you protect yourself the way you do, and what it might mean to feel safe with someone else, let’s talk.

Feel free to reach out, and schedule a free consultation.

You don’t have to keep pushing love away.

The Myth of the Perfect Fit: Why Healthy Relationships Need Friction

I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say something like this:

“Why is this relationship so hard!”

“Why can’t they just meet my need without me telling them?”

“If they could just understand me…”

I get it. We all grow up with some version of the idea that the “right” relationship should feel effortless. That we are supposed to find “the person,” to fall in love with, and everything just works.

But the truth of it is, healthy love needs friction.

Friction is not necessarily a sign that things are broken or wrong. It’s often the substance that creates relationships to grow.

Where the “Perfect Fit” Fantasy Comes From

Many of us enter relationships carrying hopes that we are not even fully aware of. Deep down, we might be longing for someone who just “gets us” without us needing to explain. Someone who will soothe our fears, meet our needs without asking, and understands us.

That hope often comes from very early experiences, like the times we were held, and the times we were let down. There are experiences from childhood that tell us, “Maybe this time, it will different. Maybe this time, I’ll get what I didn’t get.”

It’s tender. It’s human. And it’s also a fantasy. No partner, no matter how loving and connected they are, can fully meet our needs. But every fantasy tells a story of deep meaning and longing.

Friction is Where Growth Happens

What looks like “we are not a perfect match,” is often just two people bumping into each other’s stories. One person might pull away when they feel overwhelmed. The other might reach for closeness when they are scared. Both reactions make sense in context, but without understanding, they can feel like rejection or attack.

That bump, what we often call conflict or misalignment, isn’t a flaw in the relationship. It’s the start of a deeper conversation. It’s the chance to ask:

What is this really about?

When couples can get curious instead of reactive, friction becomes an opportunity not a threat.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

Loving someone means you’re going to hurt each other sometimes. Not intentionally hurt each other, but because you are human, and you are two different people, with two different stories, and you both have lived through pain, it’s inevitable.

But it also means you have the chance to show up in ways that maybe no one has before. To listen more deeply. To slow down. To stay emotionally present when things get hard.

And over time, that kind of love can start to rewrite old stories, not by being perfect, but by being willing to stay connected, present, and open.

Love That Includes Friction

The kind of love that really changes us isn’t about seamless compatibility. Let’s be honest eventually that would get boring and dull. It’s about having the courage to stay connected even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.

The rub is where your story meet’s your partner’s story. Where old wounds collide. Where something vulnerable longs to be seen.

And when you both choose to stay open, curious, and kind, you are not just building a relationship. You are building something deep and healthy.

Ready to Grow Through the Friction

If you and your partner are stuck in a loop, or feel like you keep hitting a wall, you are not alone and you are not broken. This might actually be the doorway into something deeper and more meaningful.

I specialize in helping couples navigate these turning points with compassion and depth. If you are ready to explore the emotional undercurrents in your relationship and reconnect in a more meaningful way, I am here to help.

Feel free to reach out for a free consultation.

You don’t need a perfect fit, you just need two willing hearts and a safe space to do the work.

Why every healthy realtionship needs boundaries

I know these two couples.

One is working toward a thriving, vibrant relationship. This couple continues to work through their anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment and loss, and is developing more connection through it all.

One continues arguing, and wonders if the misery will ever end.

Both of these couples entered into therapy because it was their last effort at trying to make the relationship work. We all have gotten to a place where we have felt:

Dismissed

Devalued

Disappointed

Abandoned

Betrayed

Insignificant  

Unloved

And we have all wanted our spouse or partner to deeply love us and respect us.

Both couples had so much built up resentment and contempt. Anger and attacking words flowed out of their mouths like venom, looking to destroy their partner. And as they expressed their contempt and disappointment, both couples seemed to use similar language.

“I did everything for them.” “I gave them so much.”

“I worked so hard for them.” “They didn’t notice when I…”

“I was always there for them.” “I could never win with them.”

“They never appreciated…”

There were boundaries being crossed and over time, crossed boundaries build resentment. It is difficult to have genuine love and care for someone, while they are violating your boundaries. In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as:

“what is ok and what is not ok.”

We all have boundaries, what we are ok with and what we are not ok with. One sign of a healthy relationship is when couples are able to acknowledge, communicate, and honor those boundaries. There will always be those people who continue to violate our boundaries, and we will have to hold them accountable for the way they treat us. Yes, this takes courage and work to initiate, and it may feel scary and overwhelming. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that it’s easier to blame and live in resentment. But it actually takes more vital energy to live in this resentment and we degrade our self-worth. Choosing what is healthy for us over what is easy or comfortable can be difficult, and it is also more life giving.

So how do you create boundaries?

When creating boundaries remember to start small, and with relatively neutral topics at first.

1)     It’s important to recognize and understand what you are feeling.

Clear boundaries starts with knowing how we feel. Take some time by yourself and reflect on how you are feeling. Then write down what happened and how it made you feel so you can articulate it. Example: “When I am not included in making plans for the dinner, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

2)     Recognize how your boundaries have been violated and what you might need.

Now process what you wrote down, and see how your boundaries were crossed. Write that down. Example: “It’s not ok with me when I am not asked or included. I need to be included in making decision by being asked and considered.”   

3)     Have support in place.

When boundaries are being formed there can often be 1) feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and/or fear from you, and 2) retaliation from the other person. A support system can help you stay grounded, help comfort, and remind you that you are worth the effort. This can be family, church, therapist, coworker, or friend.

4)     Be brave, and communicate your boundaries.

If you find your partner wanting to argue, be defensive, or retaliate, those are indications your partner is not respecting your boundary or your self-worth. Stay out of resentment and disappointment by not giving in and by blaming less. Remember boundaries are not just a sign of healthy relationships; they are also a sign of healthy well-being.

If you would like to know more about boundaries or if you would like to start couples counseling, click here to schedule an appointment.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life