When Old Wounds Resurface: Why Past Trauma Shows Up in New Relationships

Have you ever wondered why a small comment from your partner suddenly sparks a big reaction in you? Or why certain moments in your relationship feel heavier than they “should”? Often, the answer lies not in the present moment but in old wounds that quietly resurface.

The Past Doesn’t Stay in the Past
Trauma, rejection, betrayal, and even childhood disappointments leave emotional imprints. The brain stores these experiences as patterns, like grooves on a record that can play back when something in the present reminds us of the past. A sigh, a glance, or a delayed text may not just be about today, but about the memory it stirs up inside.

Why Relationships Trigger Old Wounds

• Intimacy feels risky: Getting close to someone makes us vulnerable, which can activate past fears of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal.

• Attachment echoes: The way we learned to love and be loved (or not loved) in childhood often resurfaces with partners.

• Safety and danger signals: The body is wired to protect us. If something feels familiar to an old wound, our nervous system reacts, even if the present situation is different.

Signs an Old Wound is Surfacing

• Feeling an “outsized” reaction compared to the situation.

• Struggling with trust even when your partner hasn’t broken it.

• Reliving feelings of shame, fear, or anger you can’t fully explain.

What Healing Looks Like

1. Notice the pattern. Pause when your reaction feels bigger than the moment. Ask yourself: What does this remind me of?

2. Communicate gently. Share with your partner: “This situation brings up something from my past, it’s not just about now.”

3. Seek deeper work. Therapy, especially trauma-focused approaches like EMDR, can help “unhook” past pain from present relationships.

4. Practice compassion. Healing isn’t about never being triggered; it’s about responding with awareness instead of being consumed by the past.

Old wounds have a way of resurfacing, especially in the relationships that matter most. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the past. With awareness, compassion, and healing, you can break the cycle, and let your current relationship be a place of growth rather than re-injury.

Healing from Collective Trauma in the Wake of Charlie Kirk’s Death

The death of Charlie Kirk, like so many other acts of violence in recent decades, has left many people grappling with difficult emotions. Even if we were not present, the constant replay of images, headlines, and arguments online can leave us shaken. For some, this has brought grief or fear. For others, anger, numbness, or even a conflicted sense of justice. These varied responses are part of the collective trauma we carry as a society when violence erupts in public life. Healing begins when we acknowledge both the pain and the division, and start to imagine ways to bridge the gap between us.

Why Collective Trauma Matters

Violence affects more than the immediate victims or witnesses. It ripples outward into families, communities, and even the nation as a whole. Each time such an event occurs, old wounds are reopened, from school shootings, to political violence, to everyday tragedies that remind us of our fragility.

Our nervous systems are not built to repeatedly absorb violent images, yet social media and news outlets expose us to these moments over and over. This can create a sense of hopelessness, division, and fatigue.

Holding Complex Reactions

Not everyone responds in the same way. Some feel grief and despair. Others feel anger or rage. Still others feel indifference or even a sense of justice. These differences can make it harder to come together, but they also remind us that trauma is complex. There is no single “right” way to react when confronted with violence.

Steps Toward Healing Together

• Limit your exposure: Take breaks from constant media updates and arguments online.

• Name your experience: Recognize what emotions are most present for you, such as grief, anger, fear, or numbness.

• Lean into connection: Healing collective trauma requires community. Find spaces where listening and compassion are possible.

• Ground yourself in hope: Division may feel overwhelming, but small acts of kindness and understanding still create change.

Collective trauma does not disappear quickly. Even as news cycles shift, the emotions we carry remain real. Healing will take time and requires us to resist becoming numb. By choosing connection, compassion, and reflection, we begin to soften the divisions and remember our shared humanity.

When Violence Finds Us Through Screens: Healing from Secondary Trauma

In our current world, many of us experience trauma not only by being physically present at a violent event, but also through what we see, hear, and read in its aftermath. The recent news and circulating images of Charlie Kirk’s death are a reminder of this reality. Even if we weren’t there in person, witnessing violence through screens can leave us shaken, fearful, and heavy with emotion.

For some, these moments evoke sadness and grief. For others, they stir anger, numbness, or even a conflicted sense of justice. And for many, the constant stream of arguments and posts on social media can intensify the pain. Our responses are human, and they reflect how overwhelming it can be to hold so many perspectives and emotions at once.

Why We Feel It So Deeply

Our brains and bodies don’t always distinguish between what we see firsthand and what we experience indirectly. Images of violence, especially when they are replayed across news outlets and social feeds, can trigger the same fight, flight, or freeze responses as if we had been there. This is sometimes called secondary trauma or vicarious trauma. It can leave us feeling unsafe in our communities, disconnected from others, or worn down by the intensity of public discourse.

The Added Weight of Social Media

Social media often amplifies trauma. Instead of giving us space to grieve, it can:

• Flood us with repeated images and headlines we can’t unsee

• Expose us to polarized arguments that dismiss or attack our feelings

• Pressure us to “take a side” when our inner world may be more complex

• Create a cycle of outrage and exhaustion that leaves us feeling powerless

The very place many of us go for connection can sometimes increase our sense of isolation.

Signs You May Be Carrying This Trauma

• Heightened vigilance or fear in everyday life

• Intrusive thoughts or images of what you saw online

• Emotional numbness when new tragedies appear

• Anger or irritability that spills into daily interactions

• Feeling overwhelmed by the arguments and hostility on social platforms

If you recognize yourself in these experiences, you are not alone.

Steps Toward Healing

• Set boundaries online: Limit your exposure to distressing posts and arguments. Curate your feed so it serves your well-being.

• Name your feelings: Whether it’s grief, anger, fear, or indifference, acknowledging your reactions is part of healing.

• Seek safe spaces: Connect with people who can listen without judgment, whether friends, family, or a therapist.

• Ground your body: Small practices like breathing exercises, walking, journaling can calm your nervous system.

• Balance with hope: Look for signs of care, resilience, and humanity, even in small ways. These reminders can soften the weight of despair.

Remembering Our Shared Humanity

Each time tragedy strikes, we are faced with both the pain of division and the reminder of how deeply interconnected we are. Social media may amplify our fractures, but it can also become a place to share compassion and solidarity. Healing begins when we recognize the impact these images and arguments have on us, and when we choose to respond with care to ourselves and for one another.

Moving Beyond Survival: The Journey of Trauma Recovery

Trauma changes how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Whether it comes from a single event or a long history of pain, trauma leaves invisible wounds that often surface as anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, or feeling disconnected from life. But healing is possible.

Safety Comes First

Recovery begins by building a sense of safety, both internally and externally. This might mean practicing grounding skills, surrounding yourself with supportive relationships, or finding a therapist who can offer a steady and nonjudgmental presence.

The Body Remembers

Trauma doesn’t just live in memory, it lives in the body. Flashbacks, hypervigilance, and emotional numbing are not signs of weakness but the body’s attempt to protect you. Approaches like EMDR and somatic therapies help release trauma where it is stored in the nervous system.

Reclaiming Your Story

Trauma often robs people of their voice and sense of agency. In therapy, you can begin to tell your story at your own pace, reframing it from one of helplessness to one of survival and resilience.

Building a Life Beyond Trauma

The ultimate goal of healing is not simply reducing symptoms but creating a life where joy, trust, and connection are possible again. It is about moving from surviving to truly living.

Final Thought

Trauma may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to define your future. With compassion, support, and the right tools, you can reclaim your sense of self and step into a life of hope and wholeness.

The Body Remembers: How Trauma Shows Up in Everyday Life

You may not think of yourself as a trauma survivor. Maybe you didn’t experience a major accident, war, or natural disaster. But trauma isn’t always a single catastrophic event, sometimes it’s chronic stress, a painful relationship, childhood neglect, or moments when you felt unsafe and alone.

What many people don’t realize is that trauma doesn’t just live in memory. It lives in the body. Long after the event has passed, the nervous system remembers. And those memories show up in everyday life in ways that can be confusing, frustrating, or overwhelming.

Everyday Signs of a Nervous System on Alert

Trauma activates the body’s survival system. When that system never fully resets, it can show up like this:

• Startle responses – jumping at sudden noises or movements

• Tightness in the chest or stomach – feeling “on edge” even in safe moments

• Trouble sleeping – difficulty falling asleep or waking up in the night

• Irritability or reactivity – snapping at loved ones without knowing why

• Difficulty concentrating – brain fog, forgetfulness, or zoning out

• Numbing out – disconnecting from emotions or avoiding situations that feel overwhelming

These symptoms aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs that your body is still trying to protect you.

Why the Body Holds On

Unfortunately the past doesn’t just vanish, it often gets replayed. Early experiences shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world. When trauma happens, especially in relationships, the nervous system encodes “templates” for safety and danger.

This is why someone who grew up walking on eggshells around a volatile parent might still feel anxious when their partner raises a voice, even if no harm is present. The body says, “I know this. I’ve been here before. Protect.”

In EMDR and other trauma therapies, we work with this embodied memory directly. The goal isn’t just to talk about what happened, but to help the nervous system finally release what it’s been holding.

Healing: From Survival to Safety

The good news is that what is wired in can be rewired. Healing is about moving from survival mode into a sense of safety and connection. In therapy, that often means:

• Naming what the body is saying – learning to recognize triggers and body signals

• Reprocessing traumatic memories – with tools like EMDR to release the nervous system’s grip

• Rewriting relational patterns – practicing new ways of connecting that feel safe and secure

• Building self-compassion – shifting from “what’s wrong with me?” to “my body is trying to protect me.”

Over time, people notice that they’re less reactive, more grounded, and able to experience joy, intimacy, and calm without the constant background hum of hypervigilance.

A Note of Hope

If you see yourself in these descriptions, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body has been protecting you in the only way it knew how. Healing is possible. With the right support, the body can learn a new language, one of safety, freedom, and connection.

The body remembers, and it can also relearn.

What is Freedom?

“I just want to be free.”
I’ve heard this sentence whispered with longing, spoken in frustration, shouted in protest. It shows up in the therapy room as people wrestle with relationships, obligations, shame, history.

But what do we really mean when we say we want freedom?

In our culture, we often imagine freedom as an escape: from rules, expectations, burdens. The lone figure walking away from it all. The clean break. The weight lifted.

But from a therapist perspective, freedom is not about walking away, it's about showing up. More specifically, it's about showing up as oneself, in relationship, without being hijacked by the ghosts of past relationships.

Freedom Isn’t Solitude. It’s Selfhood in Connection

We are never fully separate. From the moment we’re born, our sense of who we are is shaped in relationship. We learn early, many times before we even speak, how much of ourselves is welcome, how much is too much, and which parts we have to hide in order to belong.

Those early adaptations often follow us into adulthood. We might smile when we’re hurting. We might go quiet when something matters. We might fuse with the needs of others and call it love.

In these moments, we’re not free. We’re loyal. We’re surviving.

So in therapy, I don’t help people break free from relationship. I help people reclaim themselves within it.

Freedom Is Saying What You’ve Never Said, And Staying Present

When working with people, I often slow things down. We become curious not just about the story a person is telling, but about what’s happening between us in the telling. Where do they look away? When does their voice drop? What are they protecting?

Freedom might look like a client saying, “I’m scared to tell you this because I think you’ll be disappointed.”

Or, “I’m angry at you for not understanding me last week.”

Or even, “I have no idea what I feel. Can we sit in the not-knowing?”

Each of those moments is a quiet revolution. A departure from the old dance. A turning point where the client notices the urge to hide, and chooses to stay visible.

Freedom Is Living Beyond the Repetition

So often we’re stuck in relational loops that don’t belong to the present moment. We repeat patterns with partners, friends, even therapists. patterns that are often rooted in early wounds.

Freedom is not found in pretending those patterns don’t exist. It’s in seeing them as they’re happening. And then consciously, vulnerably, with full presence, choosing to do something new.

To speak instead of shrink.
To stay instead of bolt.
To feel instead of numb.

Freedom Is Mutual Recognition

Therapists like Jessica Benjamin describe freedom as the ability to be both a self and an other in relationship. Not merged. Not dominating. Not disappearing.

That means I don’t just get to be me, I also have to let you be you.

And that’s where real freedom gets tested. Because being a full self while staying connected to another full self? That’s not easy. But it is profoundly human.

So, What Is Freedom?

It’s not about being untouched or uninfluenced.
It’s not about independence at the cost of intimacy.
And it’s definitely not about winning or being right.

Freedom is the ability to be in relationship without losing yourself.

It’s the courage to stay open, even when the past tells you to shut down.
It’s the strength to speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.
It’s the slow, unfolding possibility of becoming who you are, in the presence of another who sees you.

And maybe, in the end, that’s what we really want when we say, “I just want to be free.”
Not to be alone.
But to be known.

Gaslighting: When Doubt Becomes the Weapon

You’re not sure when it started, maybe it was the way they’d brush off your feelings, or how their version of events never quite matched yours. You began to question yourself, replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you were the one who got it wrong.

That slow erosion of trust in your own perception? That’s gaslighting.

What Is Gaslighting, Really?

Gaslighting isn’t just lying. It’s not simply disagreeing. It’s a deliberate (though not always conscious) pattern of manipulation designed to make you question your reality, your memory, and even your sanity.

The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband slowly convinces his wife she’s losing her mind by dimming the gaslights in their home and then denying it’s happening. She comes to doubt her senses, her instincts, and eventually, herself.

Modern gaslighting may not involve flickering lights, but the effect is just as disorienting.

The Subtle Mechanics of Gaslighting

Gaslighting works slowly. It’s not usually one explosive moment, it’s the accumulation of a thousand small ones:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re imagining things again.”

• “Why would you even think that? What’s wrong with you?”

Over time, the gaslighter shifts the ground beneath you. You stop trusting your memory. You hesitate before speaking. You second-guess your instincts. You begin to wonder if maybe they’re right. Maybe you are too sensitive, too emotional, too dramatic, too much.

But gaslighting isn't about the truth. It’s about power.

Why It Hurts So Much

Gaslighting doesn’t just confuse you, it disconnects you from yourself. From your intuition. From your internal compass. That’s what makes it so devastating.

And it doesn’t always happen in abusive relationships. It can occur in friendships, families, workplaces, and even in broader social systems. Anywhere there’s a power imbalance and a fear of being wrong, gaslighting can creep in.

It’s especially dangerous because it hides inside love, loyalty, and longing. You want to believe the other person has your best interests at heart. You want to keep the peace. You want to be fair. But gaslighting turns those very desires against you.

What It Can Sound Like

Gaslighting often shows up in language like:

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

• “You always make everything about you.”

• “You’re being paranoid.”

• “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

• “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

Sometimes, it's more subtle. It’s a raised eyebrow, a dismissive shrug, a silent treatment that makes you feel like you're the problem for even bringing something up.

How to Recognize It

If you’re unsure whether you’re being gaslit, look for signs in yourself:

• You feel like you're walking on eggshells.

• You frequently second-guess your thoughts and feelings.

• You apologize constantly, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong.

• You feel confused, anxious, or “off,” but can’t explain why.

• You find yourself defending someone who hurts you.

These are not signs of weakness. They are signs that your nervous system is working overtime to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

Healing From Gaslighting

Gaslighting isolates you from your truth. Healing means coming back home to yourself.

• Start by trusting your gut again. That uneasy feeling you keep pushing away? Listen to it.

• Keep a journal. Write things down so your reality has a place to live outside of someone else’s distortion.

• Talk to someone safe. A therapist. A friend. Someone who believes you, without twisting your words.

• Set boundaries. You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your mind and emotions, especially someone who manipulates them.

Most importantly, remember this: if someone consistently makes you feel small, confused, or crazy, that is not love. That is control.

You Are Not Broken

Gaslighting doesn’t work because you’re weak. It works because you’re human. It works because you want connection, because you’re willing to self-reflect, because you care.

The antidote to gaslighting is not convincing the other person to see you clearly. It’s reclaiming your own clarity. Your voice. Your inner truth.

You don’t have to doubt yourself forever. The path back to trust, your trust, is still there. Waiting for you.

The Illusion of Fireworks: A MFT's Take on the Meaning of Independence

There’s a strange hollowness that can accompany holidays, especially the ones draped in symbols of triumph.

Every year on July 4th, we gather under exploding skies to celebrate our country’s independence. The rituals are familiar: red-white-and-blue paper plates, the smoky scent of barbecue, kids with sparklers, adults with beer. And, of course, the fireworks.

But what are we really celebrating?

From my perspective, the word “independence” doesn’t signal freedom in the way we often think. It’s not the clean severance, the heroic autonomy, the myth of the self-made individual. It’s something murkier. More painful. More intimate. And perhaps less celebratory than we’d like to admit.

Because real independence doesn’t come in a burst of light. It comes slowly, and with grief.

The Myth of Self-Mastery

Many of us are taught from a young age that independence is the goal. To not need, to not rely, to not feel beholden. We internalize the idea that the stronger I am, the less I need you. That to be free is to be disentangled. So we become high-functioning, high-achieving, self-contained… independent.

But in the therapy room, we often find that this “independence” is actually a defense, a shield against longing, vulnerability, dependency. Behind the self-sufficiency is often an ache. A child who learned that their needs were too much. A teen who couldn’t afford to rebel without losing safety. An adult who keeps everything and everyone together, all the while wondering why they feel so alone.

Dependence Is Not the Enemy

I want to invite us to reimagine dependence not as weakness, but as a necessary condition for growth. We never stop needing others, not as infants, not as adults. What changes is the way we relate to our need.

In therapy, independence is not an endpoint. It’s a process of differentiation that happens in the context of deep relationship. Not “I don’t need you,” but “I can be me while staying in connection with you.” That is a far more complicated kind of freedom. One that requires us to feel our dependency, to tolerate the anxiety of being known, to risk that our autonomy will not cost us love.

It is excruciating. And it is worth everything.

Legacy and Lineage

Then there’s the collective unconscious, the inherited emotional history we carry, especially in this country. Our national origin story is one of rebellion, conquest, and independence. But also one of disavowed trauma like colonization, genocide, slavery, and silenced grief. There is no true independence without reckoning. Without acknowledging who paid the price for our freedom.

For many clients, especially those from marginalized communities, July 4th doesn’t feel like a celebration. It feels like a rupture. A reminder of who was never invited into the dream. Therapy often becomes a space where people begin to untangle these intergenerational legacies, what it means to be “free” in a system that was never built for you. Or to carry the burden of ancestral survival while also trying to find space to rest, to soften, to become.

The Fireworks Inside

So maybe the question is not whether we feel proud or patriotic. Maybe the better question is: Where am I still trying to become free?

What internal colonizers still rule my psyche? What parts of me have been silenced, enslaved, exiled? Where have I declared independence prematurely, cutting off connection, numbing emotion, dissociating from need, in the name of “strength”?

And what would it mean, truly, to come home to myself?

Because sometimes, the path to freedom is not a declaration. It’s a quiet, painstaking journey back to the parts of us we left behind in order to survive.

This Independence Day, if the fireworks feel too loud, too bright, too performative, that’s okay. You’re not ungrateful. You might just be in touch with a deeper truth, that real liberation is internal. Slow. Messy. Full of contradiction. And absolutely worth the fight.

Even if no one’s watching.

Even if there are no fireworks.

What is Trauma? Part 3 Healing

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to remember, or to “move on,” or to “ignore it.” In fact, those attempts often keep the wound from healing. Your past traumatic experiences are something to tend to, to be with, to listen to.

There are parts of ourselves, our anger, grief, sadness, tenderness, even joy, that might get pushed down and out of awareness because at some point, those felt too dangerous or scary, or unsafe to express. Healing is about safely and authentically reconnecting to those parts of yourself that had to go into hiding. It’s about being seen by someone who can hold your story without judgement. Its about learning that you and your feelings aren’t bad or wrong even if you were once told otherwise.

Here are 5 ways you can begin to take steps toward healing.

1. Listening inward with curiosity, not judgement.

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” Try asking “What happened to me?” or “What am I carrying?”

2. Notice your body’s language.

Trauma often lives in the body. You might start to notice:

When do I tense up, shut down, or feel numb?

What does safety feel like, and when/what/how do I feel like I lose it?

You don’t have to interpret everything. Just start noticing.

3. Find one safe relationship.

We heal from trauma in relationship not in isolation. If there is someone you trust, even just a little, try being a little more open with them about how you’re feeling.

4. Let go of any timelines.

Healing doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days will feel like progress, others will feel like taking a few steps backwards. Take a breath and trust that this is part of the process.

5. Remind yourself you deserve to heal.

Trauma isn’t about how bad the thing was. Its about how alone you felt. If it hurt, if it shaped you, if its still echoing inside you… IT MATTERS.

If something resonated with you while reading this, I want you to know, that part of you deserves care.

You don’t have to figure everything out at once. You don’t have to be ready to dive into the whole story. You just have to be willing to listen to the parts of you that have been hidden.

Sometimes healing begins not with a grand decision, but with a “I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

If you ever feel ready, reaching out to someone like a therapist or a trusted person can be the beginning of not erasing your story but the weaving of a new one where all of you gets to exist.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 2 Signs of Trauma

Dr. Gabor Moté said it well, “Trauma is not just what happened to you. It’s what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

Trauma doesn’t always shout, sometimes it whispers through our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. And unlike a physical wound that can easily be seen, the psychological and emotional wounds we sustain can be harder to recognize, because our wounds often hide in the adaptations we made to survive.

How we adapted at a young age such as, shutting down, pleasing others, being acutely aware of other people’s emotions, highly skilled at reading body language, over working or achieving, etc, is how we stayed connected with others in order to survive.

So what are some of the more common signs of trauma?

• Feeling like you have to stay “on” all the time, even when you are exhausted.

• Finding yourself disconnected from others, from your own feelings, and even from your own body.

• Having difficulty trusting others, or feeling safe in relationships.

• Blaming yourself when things go wrong even when it’s not your fault. Or being perfectionistic.

• Being drawn to people or situations that hurt, with or without fully understanding why.

• Wanting closeness, but pulling away when you find you are getting close.

• Living with a deep, almost invisible loneliness, even when you are surrounded by others.

• Constantly feeling like you are not good enough, or lovable. Or feeling like you are too much for people.

• Having negative self talk.

• Carrying a shame based view of yourself, or deep sense that something is wrong with you.

If any of this resonates with you, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you’re “making a big deal out of nothing.” It means you found creative ways to protect yourself.

And now, maybe, there is a part of you that is ready for something different.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 1 What is Trauma?

Trauma.What came to mind when you read that word?

Was it war? Violence? A major accident? Abuse?

If it was, you wouldn’t be alone. The more I talk with people, it’s the major events that seem to be most associated with the word trauma. And for good reason. War, Abuse, Violence, Racism, Poverty, Neglect and their link with trauma have been well studied and documented.

However, trauma isn’t just the big terrible events that happen to us. Sometimes, trauma can be found in what didn’t happen.

We get the word trauma from the Greek word traûma, which means “wound.” Originally it was meant for physical injuries. It didn’t matter if the injury was caused by a blow from battle, or a thousand paper cuts, it was called trauma. It wasn’t the event that determined the physical trauma one had sustained, it was the wound itself that was called trauma. Over time this word has evolved to include psychological and emotional wounds as well.

Some of the deepest, most lasting wounds come from consistent everyday misattunements. These are when a parent is too stressed or overwhelmed to notice your sadness. Perhaps being criticized instead of comforted when you were scared. Or having to hide parts of yourself like anger, tenderness, creativity, wildness, curiosity, sadness, spunk, etc. in order to stay connected to the people you loved and needed the most.

Maybe no one meant to hurt you. Most likely they were struggling or even wounded themselves. And what was slowly and silently absorbed without words was, I am wrong to feel what I feel, its not ok to be fully me, its not safe to need this much.