Healing from Collective Trauma in the Wake of Charlie Kirk’s Death

The death of Charlie Kirk, like so many other acts of violence in recent decades, has left many people grappling with difficult emotions. Even if we were not present, the constant replay of images, headlines, and arguments online can leave us shaken. For some, this has brought grief or fear. For others, anger, numbness, or even a conflicted sense of justice. These varied responses are part of the collective trauma we carry as a society when violence erupts in public life. Healing begins when we acknowledge both the pain and the division, and start to imagine ways to bridge the gap between us.

Why Collective Trauma Matters

Violence affects more than the immediate victims or witnesses. It ripples outward into families, communities, and even the nation as a whole. Each time such an event occurs, old wounds are reopened, from school shootings, to political violence, to everyday tragedies that remind us of our fragility.

Our nervous systems are not built to repeatedly absorb violent images, yet social media and news outlets expose us to these moments over and over. This can create a sense of hopelessness, division, and fatigue.

Holding Complex Reactions

Not everyone responds in the same way. Some feel grief and despair. Others feel anger or rage. Still others feel indifference or even a sense of justice. These differences can make it harder to come together, but they also remind us that trauma is complex. There is no single “right” way to react when confronted with violence.

Steps Toward Healing Together

• Limit your exposure: Take breaks from constant media updates and arguments online.

• Name your experience: Recognize what emotions are most present for you, such as grief, anger, fear, or numbness.

• Lean into connection: Healing collective trauma requires community. Find spaces where listening and compassion are possible.

• Ground yourself in hope: Division may feel overwhelming, but small acts of kindness and understanding still create change.

Collective trauma does not disappear quickly. Even as news cycles shift, the emotions we carry remain real. Healing will take time and requires us to resist becoming numb. By choosing connection, compassion, and reflection, we begin to soften the divisions and remember our shared humanity.

When Two Become Three: Understanding Triangulation in Relationships

In many relationships, tension can build quietly, leaving partners unsure how to express their needs directly. Triangulation is a common pattern that emerges when one partner turns to a third person, entity, or even an activity to voice frustration, seek validation, or cope with conflict. While often unintentional, triangulation can create distance and misunderstanding over time.

Seeking Validation Elsewhere
One partner shares frustration about a recurring argument with a friend or family member, saying, “You know how hard it is to get them to see my point.” The listener offers support, but the partner never addresses the issue directly. Meanwhile, the other partner senses an unspoken tension, leaving both feeling disconnected.

Indirect Communication
During a shared moment, one partner hints at dissatisfaction about responsibilities, framing it as something others would understand. The partner on the receiving end may notice the comment but feels the concern is aimed elsewhere. Instead of opening a direct conversation, the tension lingers quietly.

Using Third Parties to Influence
Sometimes, a partner involves a child or family member in subtle ways, encouraging them to take sides. While this may provide temporary relief, it often leaves the other partner feeling isolated and frustrated, with the original conflict unresolved.

Emotional Outsourcing
Turning to colleagues or social groups for emotional support after a disagreement can feel comforting. Yet, returning home with that validation can create an emotional gap between partners, as the unspoken issues remain unaddressed.

Triangulation reflects deeper relational dynamics, including fear of confrontation, avoidance, or unmet emotional needs. It is rarely malicious, but it signals an opportunity for mindful engagement. Awareness of these patterns, along with therapy-supported strategies, helps partners move from indirect communication to authentic dialogue. By practicing vulnerability and direct expression, partners can foster understanding, rebuild connection, and address conflict without needing a third party.

Moving Beyond Survival: The Journey of Trauma Recovery

Trauma changes how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Whether it comes from a single event or a long history of pain, trauma leaves invisible wounds that often surface as anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, or feeling disconnected from life. But healing is possible.

Safety Comes First

Recovery begins by building a sense of safety, both internally and externally. This might mean practicing grounding skills, surrounding yourself with supportive relationships, or finding a therapist who can offer a steady and nonjudgmental presence.

The Body Remembers

Trauma doesn’t just live in memory, it lives in the body. Flashbacks, hypervigilance, and emotional numbing are not signs of weakness but the body’s attempt to protect you. Approaches like EMDR and somatic therapies help release trauma where it is stored in the nervous system.

Reclaiming Your Story

Trauma often robs people of their voice and sense of agency. In therapy, you can begin to tell your story at your own pace, reframing it from one of helplessness to one of survival and resilience.

Building a Life Beyond Trauma

The ultimate goal of healing is not simply reducing symptoms but creating a life where joy, trust, and connection are possible again. It is about moving from surviving to truly living.

Final Thought

Trauma may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to define your future. With compassion, support, and the right tools, you can reclaim your sense of self and step into a life of hope and wholeness.

The Body Remembers: How Trauma Shows Up in Everyday Life

You may not think of yourself as a trauma survivor. Maybe you didn’t experience a major accident, war, or natural disaster. But trauma isn’t always a single catastrophic event, sometimes it’s chronic stress, a painful relationship, childhood neglect, or moments when you felt unsafe and alone.

What many people don’t realize is that trauma doesn’t just live in memory. It lives in the body. Long after the event has passed, the nervous system remembers. And those memories show up in everyday life in ways that can be confusing, frustrating, or overwhelming.

Everyday Signs of a Nervous System on Alert

Trauma activates the body’s survival system. When that system never fully resets, it can show up like this:

• Startle responses – jumping at sudden noises or movements

• Tightness in the chest or stomach – feeling “on edge” even in safe moments

• Trouble sleeping – difficulty falling asleep or waking up in the night

• Irritability or reactivity – snapping at loved ones without knowing why

• Difficulty concentrating – brain fog, forgetfulness, or zoning out

• Numbing out – disconnecting from emotions or avoiding situations that feel overwhelming

These symptoms aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs that your body is still trying to protect you.

Why the Body Holds On

Unfortunately the past doesn’t just vanish, it often gets replayed. Early experiences shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world. When trauma happens, especially in relationships, the nervous system encodes “templates” for safety and danger.

This is why someone who grew up walking on eggshells around a volatile parent might still feel anxious when their partner raises a voice, even if no harm is present. The body says, “I know this. I’ve been here before. Protect.”

In EMDR and other trauma therapies, we work with this embodied memory directly. The goal isn’t just to talk about what happened, but to help the nervous system finally release what it’s been holding.

Healing: From Survival to Safety

The good news is that what is wired in can be rewired. Healing is about moving from survival mode into a sense of safety and connection. In therapy, that often means:

• Naming what the body is saying – learning to recognize triggers and body signals

• Reprocessing traumatic memories – with tools like EMDR to release the nervous system’s grip

• Rewriting relational patterns – practicing new ways of connecting that feel safe and secure

• Building self-compassion – shifting from “what’s wrong with me?” to “my body is trying to protect me.”

Over time, people notice that they’re less reactive, more grounded, and able to experience joy, intimacy, and calm without the constant background hum of hypervigilance.

A Note of Hope

If you see yourself in these descriptions, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body has been protecting you in the only way it knew how. Healing is possible. With the right support, the body can learn a new language, one of safety, freedom, and connection.

The body remembers, and it can also relearn.

What is Freedom?

“I just want to be free.”
I’ve heard this sentence whispered with longing, spoken in frustration, shouted in protest. It shows up in the therapy room as people wrestle with relationships, obligations, shame, history.

But what do we really mean when we say we want freedom?

In our culture, we often imagine freedom as an escape: from rules, expectations, burdens. The lone figure walking away from it all. The clean break. The weight lifted.

But from a therapist perspective, freedom is not about walking away, it's about showing up. More specifically, it's about showing up as oneself, in relationship, without being hijacked by the ghosts of past relationships.

Freedom Isn’t Solitude. It’s Selfhood in Connection

We are never fully separate. From the moment we’re born, our sense of who we are is shaped in relationship. We learn early, many times before we even speak, how much of ourselves is welcome, how much is too much, and which parts we have to hide in order to belong.

Those early adaptations often follow us into adulthood. We might smile when we’re hurting. We might go quiet when something matters. We might fuse with the needs of others and call it love.

In these moments, we’re not free. We’re loyal. We’re surviving.

So in therapy, I don’t help people break free from relationship. I help people reclaim themselves within it.

Freedom Is Saying What You’ve Never Said, And Staying Present

When working with people, I often slow things down. We become curious not just about the story a person is telling, but about what’s happening between us in the telling. Where do they look away? When does their voice drop? What are they protecting?

Freedom might look like a client saying, “I’m scared to tell you this because I think you’ll be disappointed.”

Or, “I’m angry at you for not understanding me last week.”

Or even, “I have no idea what I feel. Can we sit in the not-knowing?”

Each of those moments is a quiet revolution. A departure from the old dance. A turning point where the client notices the urge to hide, and chooses to stay visible.

Freedom Is Living Beyond the Repetition

So often we’re stuck in relational loops that don’t belong to the present moment. We repeat patterns with partners, friends, even therapists. patterns that are often rooted in early wounds.

Freedom is not found in pretending those patterns don’t exist. It’s in seeing them as they’re happening. And then consciously, vulnerably, with full presence, choosing to do something new.

To speak instead of shrink.
To stay instead of bolt.
To feel instead of numb.

Freedom Is Mutual Recognition

Therapists like Jessica Benjamin describe freedom as the ability to be both a self and an other in relationship. Not merged. Not dominating. Not disappearing.

That means I don’t just get to be me, I also have to let you be you.

And that’s where real freedom gets tested. Because being a full self while staying connected to another full self? That’s not easy. But it is profoundly human.

So, What Is Freedom?

It’s not about being untouched or uninfluenced.
It’s not about independence at the cost of intimacy.
And it’s definitely not about winning or being right.

Freedom is the ability to be in relationship without losing yourself.

It’s the courage to stay open, even when the past tells you to shut down.
It’s the strength to speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.
It’s the slow, unfolding possibility of becoming who you are, in the presence of another who sees you.

And maybe, in the end, that’s what we really want when we say, “I just want to be free.”
Not to be alone.
But to be known.

Beyond Us and Them: Finding the Third in a Divided America

In the therapy room, one of the most challenging dynamics a couple can face is polarization. Each partner becomes entrenched in their perspective, convinced the other is wrong, or worse, that the other is dangerous. They stop seeing each other and start seeing symbols. Battles over dishes or discipline become proxies for deeper existential threats. It becomes you or me. Someone has to win. Someone has to lose. This is the “us vs. them” trap. And right now, America is caught in it too.

Whether it’s political parties, racial identities, gender dynamics, or social class, we are explicitly and implicitly being told to divide the world into opposing camps. You’re either for or against. Woke or asleep. Patriot or traitor. Citizen or stranger. There is no space for nuance, no room for complexity. No one gets to be uncertain, evolving, or contradictory. And in this binary, empathy dies.

But there are different ways to understand conflict than just binary. When a couple is gridlocked in an all blame and no curiosity split, what we look for is the third.

The third isn’t a person. It’s a space. A possibility. A perspective that arises between the two and because of the two. It’s the “us” that can hold both “me” and “you.” It is not compromise, but a transformative process of witnessing, imagining, and integrating. The third doesn’t mean agreement. It means recognition. It’s the space between, or in other words, a heart big enough to hold difference without annihilation.

In a marriage, cultivating the third means slowing down, asking questions, tolerating discomfort, and recognizing how each partner’s position might be protecting something deeply vulnerable. In a country, it might look like listening to someone’s story without needing to immediately agree or dismantle it. It might look like being curious about the fear underneath the rage, or naming the pain that gets masked by righteousness. Or even allowing yourself to see the humanity, or pieces of you, in the other.

The third is hard to hold when you’ve been hurt, threatened, or marginalized. It’s not about false equivalency or forced unity. It doesn’t mean we excuse harm or pretend everyone’s reality is the same. But it does mean we challenge ourselves to see more than caricatures. To resist the pull toward totalizing narratives that keep us locked in cycles of retaliation and dehumanization.

Right now, the U.S. is in a psychological splitting. And in that splitting, we lose not only each other, we also lose parts of ourselves. The third reminds us that we are more than this fight. That every “them” is a person with a story. That democracy, like a relationship, requires the capacity to hold competing truths without collapsing.

It’s not easy. The pull to simplify, to divide, to scapegoat, is seductive. Especially in times of fear. But if we want to build something different, we have to reclaim the third.

Not just tolerance. Not just opposition.

But the radical, difficult work of metallization and relational imagination.

That’s where healing begins.

What is Trauma? Part 3 Healing

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to remember, or to “move on,” or to “ignore it.” In fact, those attempts often keep the wound from healing. Your past traumatic experiences are something to tend to, to be with, to listen to.

There are parts of ourselves, our anger, grief, sadness, tenderness, even joy, that might get pushed down and out of awareness because at some point, those felt too dangerous or scary, or unsafe to express. Healing is about safely and authentically reconnecting to those parts of yourself that had to go into hiding. It’s about being seen by someone who can hold your story without judgement. Its about learning that you and your feelings aren’t bad or wrong even if you were once told otherwise.

Here are 5 ways you can begin to take steps toward healing.

1. Listening inward with curiosity, not judgement.

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” Try asking “What happened to me?” or “What am I carrying?”

2. Notice your body’s language.

Trauma often lives in the body. You might start to notice:

When do I tense up, shut down, or feel numb?

What does safety feel like, and when/what/how do I feel like I lose it?

You don’t have to interpret everything. Just start noticing.

3. Find one safe relationship.

We heal from trauma in relationship not in isolation. If there is someone you trust, even just a little, try being a little more open with them about how you’re feeling.

4. Let go of any timelines.

Healing doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days will feel like progress, others will feel like taking a few steps backwards. Take a breath and trust that this is part of the process.

5. Remind yourself you deserve to heal.

Trauma isn’t about how bad the thing was. Its about how alone you felt. If it hurt, if it shaped you, if its still echoing inside you… IT MATTERS.

If something resonated with you while reading this, I want you to know, that part of you deserves care.

You don’t have to figure everything out at once. You don’t have to be ready to dive into the whole story. You just have to be willing to listen to the parts of you that have been hidden.

Sometimes healing begins not with a grand decision, but with a “I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

If you ever feel ready, reaching out to someone like a therapist or a trusted person can be the beginning of not erasing your story but the weaving of a new one where all of you gets to exist.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 2 Signs of Trauma

Dr. Gabor Moté said it well, “Trauma is not just what happened to you. It’s what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

Trauma doesn’t always shout, sometimes it whispers through our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. And unlike a physical wound that can easily be seen, the psychological and emotional wounds we sustain can be harder to recognize, because our wounds often hide in the adaptations we made to survive.

How we adapted at a young age such as, shutting down, pleasing others, being acutely aware of other people’s emotions, highly skilled at reading body language, over working or achieving, etc, is how we stayed connected with others in order to survive.

So what are some of the more common signs of trauma?

• Feeling like you have to stay “on” all the time, even when you are exhausted.

• Finding yourself disconnected from others, from your own feelings, and even from your own body.

• Having difficulty trusting others, or feeling safe in relationships.

• Blaming yourself when things go wrong even when it’s not your fault. Or being perfectionistic.

• Being drawn to people or situations that hurt, with or without fully understanding why.

• Wanting closeness, but pulling away when you find you are getting close.

• Living with a deep, almost invisible loneliness, even when you are surrounded by others.

• Constantly feeling like you are not good enough, or lovable. Or feeling like you are too much for people.

• Having negative self talk.

• Carrying a shame based view of yourself, or deep sense that something is wrong with you.

If any of this resonates with you, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you’re “making a big deal out of nothing.” It means you found creative ways to protect yourself.

And now, maybe, there is a part of you that is ready for something different.

How do I know if I have Trauma? Part 1 What is Trauma?

Trauma.What came to mind when you read that word?

Was it war? Violence? A major accident? Abuse?

If it was, you wouldn’t be alone. The more I talk with people, it’s the major events that seem to be most associated with the word trauma. And for good reason. War, Abuse, Violence, Racism, Poverty, Neglect and their link with trauma have been well studied and documented.

However, trauma isn’t just the big terrible events that happen to us. Sometimes, trauma can be found in what didn’t happen.

We get the word trauma from the Greek word traûma, which means “wound.” Originally it was meant for physical injuries. It didn’t matter if the injury was caused by a blow from battle, or a thousand paper cuts, it was called trauma. It wasn’t the event that determined the physical trauma one had sustained, it was the wound itself that was called trauma. Over time this word has evolved to include psychological and emotional wounds as well.

Some of the deepest, most lasting wounds come from consistent everyday misattunements. These are when a parent is too stressed or overwhelmed to notice your sadness. Perhaps being criticized instead of comforted when you were scared. Or having to hide parts of yourself like anger, tenderness, creativity, wildness, curiosity, sadness, spunk, etc. in order to stay connected to the people you loved and needed the most.

Maybe no one meant to hurt you. Most likely they were struggling or even wounded themselves. And what was slowly and silently absorbed without words was, I am wrong to feel what I feel, its not ok to be fully me, its not safe to need this much.

Therapy: Is it worth it?

I remember one of the first times I went surfing during a big swell, the waves were suppose to be 7-9 feet with an occasional 11-foot wave. I decided I would go to one of my favorite local spots. As I made the mile trek across the warm sand, I was feeling both excited and anxious, because often those two go hand-in-hand. So many unknowns bouncing around in my head… Will I be able to paddle out in such large surf? Will I have enough energy to catch a wave if I do get out? What if I get held under, or pummeled by a huge wave? 

It reminded me of when I decided to see a therapist. There was an excitement to be able to work through some things, to grow, to heal. AND there were so many unknowns going into the first few sessions. Will this therapist understand me? Will they be able to help? Will I feel comfortable opening up to them? 

I started the long, 100-yard paddle to where the waves were breaking. About half way there my arms felt like noodles from diving under so many powerful waves. I was huffing and puffing, trying to catch my breath as I fought the rushing whitewater of every crashing wave. I felt like I was never going to make it to where the waves were forming. I found my self-talk saying, “just keep paddling. Don’t look back, just keep looking forward to where you want to go. You WILL get there.” With every stroke and breath these words became like a mantra or meditation for me. I knew if I looked back I would be discouraged at where I was and then I would have to fight the desire to give up.

In that moment, I realized this is like the process of therapy. It can be difficult, painful, and scary, with so many unknowns going into it. These are the moments that often bring the growth and healing. It’s not easy, AND that doesn’t mean its not good. 

As I got closer to the lineup, I could see the big dark bumps way out toward the horizon, which generally means set waves (waves that come in larger than the current waves) are coming. I kept my eyes on the set waves, and with each wave that came in I was barely able to dive under the wave before it crashed on me. There were 4 set waves that came through with one rogue wave. They are often called rogue waves because they are the biggest set waves, they seem to come out of no where, and will often take everyone out in its path. 

Life seems to throw rouge waves at us from time to time doesn’t it? Maybe everyday feels like you are being pummeled and pushed back. They feel like set backs, like all the work and progress we have done to move forward and find healing is lost. It can be so defeating. This is the process of deep growth. Often times we take a couple of steps forward and then get pushed back, and if we keep going and trust the process of therapy, over time, we will look back and see just how far we have come. 

After all the hard work of getting out to the line up, I finally caught one of those bigger waves. I will never forget the joy, and the feeling of riding a wave like that. It was worth every moment of the fight to get there.  Life can become joyful again. You will find healing. You will grow and really thrive in life. You are worth every moment of the fight to get there! 

13 Things You Do Because of Anxiety

I came across this video the other day and thought it briefly summed up common symptoms of anxiety. After #5 they do a short advertisement for their sponsor, so make sure to stay with it for #6-13.

We all experience a little anxiety from time to time, however, those who struggle with anxiety can feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and it can be debilitating. There is help. Seeking a therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety, can help you manage and cope with anxiety. If you or a loved one has anxiety please feel free to contact me. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life