What is Freedom?

“I just want to be free.”
I’ve heard this sentence whispered with longing, spoken in frustration, shouted in protest. It shows up in the therapy room as people wrestle with relationships, obligations, shame, history.

But what do we really mean when we say we want freedom?

In our culture, we often imagine freedom as an escape: from rules, expectations, burdens. The lone figure walking away from it all. The clean break. The weight lifted.

But from a therapist perspective, freedom is not about walking away, it's about showing up. More specifically, it's about showing up as oneself, in relationship, without being hijacked by the ghosts of past relationships.

Freedom Isn’t Solitude. It’s Selfhood in Connection

We are never fully separate. From the moment we’re born, our sense of who we are is shaped in relationship. We learn early, many times before we even speak, how much of ourselves is welcome, how much is too much, and which parts we have to hide in order to belong.

Those early adaptations often follow us into adulthood. We might smile when we’re hurting. We might go quiet when something matters. We might fuse with the needs of others and call it love.

In these moments, we’re not free. We’re loyal. We’re surviving.

So in therapy, I don’t help people break free from relationship. I help people reclaim themselves within it.

Freedom Is Saying What You’ve Never Said, And Staying Present

When working with people, I often slow things down. We become curious not just about the story a person is telling, but about what’s happening between us in the telling. Where do they look away? When does their voice drop? What are they protecting?

Freedom might look like a client saying, “I’m scared to tell you this because I think you’ll be disappointed.”

Or, “I’m angry at you for not understanding me last week.”

Or even, “I have no idea what I feel. Can we sit in the not-knowing?”

Each of those moments is a quiet revolution. A departure from the old dance. A turning point where the client notices the urge to hide, and chooses to stay visible.

Freedom Is Living Beyond the Repetition

So often we’re stuck in relational loops that don’t belong to the present moment. We repeat patterns with partners, friends, even therapists. patterns that are often rooted in early wounds.

Freedom is not found in pretending those patterns don’t exist. It’s in seeing them as they’re happening. And then consciously, vulnerably, with full presence, choosing to do something new.

To speak instead of shrink.
To stay instead of bolt.
To feel instead of numb.

Freedom Is Mutual Recognition

Therapists like Jessica Benjamin describe freedom as the ability to be both a self and an other in relationship. Not merged. Not dominating. Not disappearing.

That means I don’t just get to be me, I also have to let you be you.

And that’s where real freedom gets tested. Because being a full self while staying connected to another full self? That’s not easy. But it is profoundly human.

So, What Is Freedom?

It’s not about being untouched or uninfluenced.
It’s not about independence at the cost of intimacy.
And it’s definitely not about winning or being right.

Freedom is the ability to be in relationship without losing yourself.

It’s the courage to stay open, even when the past tells you to shut down.
It’s the strength to speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.
It’s the slow, unfolding possibility of becoming who you are, in the presence of another who sees you.

And maybe, in the end, that’s what we really want when we say, “I just want to be free.”
Not to be alone.
But to be known.