Gaslighting: When Doubt Becomes the Weapon

You’re not sure when it started, maybe it was the way they’d brush off your feelings, or how their version of events never quite matched yours. You began to question yourself, replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you were the one who got it wrong.

That slow erosion of trust in your own perception? That’s gaslighting.

What Is Gaslighting, Really?

Gaslighting isn’t just lying. It’s not simply disagreeing. It’s a deliberate (though not always conscious) pattern of manipulation designed to make you question your reality, your memory, and even your sanity.

The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband slowly convinces his wife she’s losing her mind by dimming the gaslights in their home and then denying it’s happening. She comes to doubt her senses, her instincts, and eventually, herself.

Modern gaslighting may not involve flickering lights, but the effect is just as disorienting.

The Subtle Mechanics of Gaslighting

Gaslighting works slowly. It’s not usually one explosive moment, it’s the accumulation of a thousand small ones:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re imagining things again.”

• “Why would you even think that? What’s wrong with you?”

Over time, the gaslighter shifts the ground beneath you. You stop trusting your memory. You hesitate before speaking. You second-guess your instincts. You begin to wonder if maybe they’re right. Maybe you are too sensitive, too emotional, too dramatic, too much.

But gaslighting isn't about the truth. It’s about power.

Why It Hurts So Much

Gaslighting doesn’t just confuse you, it disconnects you from yourself. From your intuition. From your internal compass. That’s what makes it so devastating.

And it doesn’t always happen in abusive relationships. It can occur in friendships, families, workplaces, and even in broader social systems. Anywhere there’s a power imbalance and a fear of being wrong, gaslighting can creep in.

It’s especially dangerous because it hides inside love, loyalty, and longing. You want to believe the other person has your best interests at heart. You want to keep the peace. You want to be fair. But gaslighting turns those very desires against you.

What It Can Sound Like

Gaslighting often shows up in language like:

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

• “You always make everything about you.”

• “You’re being paranoid.”

• “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

• “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

Sometimes, it's more subtle. It’s a raised eyebrow, a dismissive shrug, a silent treatment that makes you feel like you're the problem for even bringing something up.

How to Recognize It

If you’re unsure whether you’re being gaslit, look for signs in yourself:

• You feel like you're walking on eggshells.

• You frequently second-guess your thoughts and feelings.

• You apologize constantly, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong.

• You feel confused, anxious, or “off,” but can’t explain why.

• You find yourself defending someone who hurts you.

These are not signs of weakness. They are signs that your nervous system is working overtime to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

Healing From Gaslighting

Gaslighting isolates you from your truth. Healing means coming back home to yourself.

• Start by trusting your gut again. That uneasy feeling you keep pushing away? Listen to it.

• Keep a journal. Write things down so your reality has a place to live outside of someone else’s distortion.

• Talk to someone safe. A therapist. A friend. Someone who believes you, without twisting your words.

• Set boundaries. You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your mind and emotions, especially someone who manipulates them.

Most importantly, remember this: if someone consistently makes you feel small, confused, or crazy, that is not love. That is control.

You Are Not Broken

Gaslighting doesn’t work because you’re weak. It works because you’re human. It works because you want connection, because you’re willing to self-reflect, because you care.

The antidote to gaslighting is not convincing the other person to see you clearly. It’s reclaiming your own clarity. Your voice. Your inner truth.

You don’t have to doubt yourself forever. The path back to trust, your trust, is still there. Waiting for you.

Beyond Us and Them: Finding the Third in a Divided America

In the therapy room, one of the most challenging dynamics a couple can face is polarization. Each partner becomes entrenched in their perspective, convinced the other is wrong, or worse, that the other is dangerous. They stop seeing each other and start seeing symbols. Battles over dishes or discipline become proxies for deeper existential threats. It becomes you or me. Someone has to win. Someone has to lose. This is the “us vs. them” trap. And right now, America is caught in it too.

Whether it’s political parties, racial identities, gender dynamics, or social class, we are explicitly and implicitly being told to divide the world into opposing camps. You’re either for or against. Woke or asleep. Patriot or traitor. Citizen or stranger. There is no space for nuance, no room for complexity. No one gets to be uncertain, evolving, or contradictory. And in this binary, empathy dies.

But there are different ways to understand conflict than just binary. When a couple is gridlocked in an all blame and no curiosity split, what we look for is the third.

The third isn’t a person. It’s a space. A possibility. A perspective that arises between the two and because of the two. It’s the “us” that can hold both “me” and “you.” It is not compromise, but a transformative process of witnessing, imagining, and integrating. The third doesn’t mean agreement. It means recognition. It’s the space between, or in other words, a heart big enough to hold difference without annihilation.

In a marriage, cultivating the third means slowing down, asking questions, tolerating discomfort, and recognizing how each partner’s position might be protecting something deeply vulnerable. In a country, it might look like listening to someone’s story without needing to immediately agree or dismantle it. It might look like being curious about the fear underneath the rage, or naming the pain that gets masked by righteousness. Or even allowing yourself to see the humanity, or pieces of you, in the other.

The third is hard to hold when you’ve been hurt, threatened, or marginalized. It’s not about false equivalency or forced unity. It doesn’t mean we excuse harm or pretend everyone’s reality is the same. But it does mean we challenge ourselves to see more than caricatures. To resist the pull toward totalizing narratives that keep us locked in cycles of retaliation and dehumanization.

Right now, the U.S. is in a psychological splitting. And in that splitting, we lose not only each other, we also lose parts of ourselves. The third reminds us that we are more than this fight. That every “them” is a person with a story. That democracy, like a relationship, requires the capacity to hold competing truths without collapsing.

It’s not easy. The pull to simplify, to divide, to scapegoat, is seductive. Especially in times of fear. But if we want to build something different, we have to reclaim the third.

Not just tolerance. Not just opposition.

But the radical, difficult work of metallization and relational imagination.

That’s where healing begins.

The Illusion of Fireworks: A MFT's Take on the Meaning of Independence

There’s a strange hollowness that can accompany holidays, especially the ones draped in symbols of triumph.

Every year on July 4th, we gather under exploding skies to celebrate our country’s independence. The rituals are familiar: red-white-and-blue paper plates, the smoky scent of barbecue, kids with sparklers, adults with beer. And, of course, the fireworks.

But what are we really celebrating?

From my perspective, the word “independence” doesn’t signal freedom in the way we often think. It’s not the clean severance, the heroic autonomy, the myth of the self-made individual. It’s something murkier. More painful. More intimate. And perhaps less celebratory than we’d like to admit.

Because real independence doesn’t come in a burst of light. It comes slowly, and with grief.

The Myth of Self-Mastery

Many of us are taught from a young age that independence is the goal. To not need, to not rely, to not feel beholden. We internalize the idea that the stronger I am, the less I need you. That to be free is to be disentangled. So we become high-functioning, high-achieving, self-contained… independent.

But in the therapy room, we often find that this “independence” is actually a defense, a shield against longing, vulnerability, dependency. Behind the self-sufficiency is often an ache. A child who learned that their needs were too much. A teen who couldn’t afford to rebel without losing safety. An adult who keeps everything and everyone together, all the while wondering why they feel so alone.

Dependence Is Not the Enemy

I want to invite us to reimagine dependence not as weakness, but as a necessary condition for growth. We never stop needing others, not as infants, not as adults. What changes is the way we relate to our need.

In therapy, independence is not an endpoint. It’s a process of differentiation that happens in the context of deep relationship. Not “I don’t need you,” but “I can be me while staying in connection with you.” That is a far more complicated kind of freedom. One that requires us to feel our dependency, to tolerate the anxiety of being known, to risk that our autonomy will not cost us love.

It is excruciating. And it is worth everything.

Legacy and Lineage

Then there’s the collective unconscious, the inherited emotional history we carry, especially in this country. Our national origin story is one of rebellion, conquest, and independence. But also one of disavowed trauma like colonization, genocide, slavery, and silenced grief. There is no true independence without reckoning. Without acknowledging who paid the price for our freedom.

For many clients, especially those from marginalized communities, July 4th doesn’t feel like a celebration. It feels like a rupture. A reminder of who was never invited into the dream. Therapy often becomes a space where people begin to untangle these intergenerational legacies, what it means to be “free” in a system that was never built for you. Or to carry the burden of ancestral survival while also trying to find space to rest, to soften, to become.

The Fireworks Inside

So maybe the question is not whether we feel proud or patriotic. Maybe the better question is: Where am I still trying to become free?

What internal colonizers still rule my psyche? What parts of me have been silenced, enslaved, exiled? Where have I declared independence prematurely, cutting off connection, numbing emotion, dissociating from need, in the name of “strength”?

And what would it mean, truly, to come home to myself?

Because sometimes, the path to freedom is not a declaration. It’s a quiet, painstaking journey back to the parts of us we left behind in order to survive.

This Independence Day, if the fireworks feel too loud, too bright, too performative, that’s okay. You’re not ungrateful. You might just be in touch with a deeper truth, that real liberation is internal. Slow. Messy. Full of contradiction. And absolutely worth the fight.

Even if no one’s watching.

Even if there are no fireworks.

The Myth of the Perfect Fit: Why Healthy Relationships Need Friction

I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say something like this:

“Why is this relationship so hard!”

“Why can’t they just meet my need without me telling them?”

“If they could just understand me…”

I get it. We all grow up with some version of the idea that the “right” relationship should feel effortless. That we are supposed to find “the person,” to fall in love with, and everything just works.

But the truth of it is, healthy love needs friction.

Friction is not necessarily a sign that things are broken or wrong. It’s often the substance that creates relationships to grow.

Where the “Perfect Fit” Fantasy Comes From

Many of us enter relationships carrying hopes that we are not even fully aware of. Deep down, we might be longing for someone who just “gets us” without us needing to explain. Someone who will soothe our fears, meet our needs without asking, and understands us.

That hope often comes from very early experiences, like the times we were held, and the times we were let down. There are experiences from childhood that tell us, “Maybe this time, it will different. Maybe this time, I’ll get what I didn’t get.”

It’s tender. It’s human. And it’s also a fantasy. No partner, no matter how loving and connected they are, can fully meet our needs. But every fantasy tells a story of deep meaning and longing.

Friction is Where Growth Happens

What looks like “we are not a perfect match,” is often just two people bumping into each other’s stories. One person might pull away when they feel overwhelmed. The other might reach for closeness when they are scared. Both reactions make sense in context, but without understanding, they can feel like rejection or attack.

That bump, what we often call conflict or misalignment, isn’t a flaw in the relationship. It’s the start of a deeper conversation. It’s the chance to ask:

What is this really about?

When couples can get curious instead of reactive, friction becomes an opportunity not a threat.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

Loving someone means you’re going to hurt each other sometimes. Not intentionally hurt each other, but because you are human, and you are two different people, with two different stories, and you both have lived through pain, it’s inevitable.

But it also means you have the chance to show up in ways that maybe no one has before. To listen more deeply. To slow down. To stay emotionally present when things get hard.

And over time, that kind of love can start to rewrite old stories, not by being perfect, but by being willing to stay connected, present, and open.

Love That Includes Friction

The kind of love that really changes us isn’t about seamless compatibility. Let’s be honest eventually that would get boring and dull. It’s about having the courage to stay connected even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.

The rub is where your story meet’s your partner’s story. Where old wounds collide. Where something vulnerable longs to be seen.

And when you both choose to stay open, curious, and kind, you are not just building a relationship. You are building something deep and healthy.

Ready to Grow Through the Friction

If you and your partner are stuck in a loop, or feel like you keep hitting a wall, you are not alone and you are not broken. This might actually be the doorway into something deeper and more meaningful.

I specialize in helping couples navigate these turning points with compassion and depth. If you are ready to explore the emotional undercurrents in your relationship and reconnect in a more meaningful way, I am here to help.

Feel free to reach out for a free consultation.

You don’t need a perfect fit, you just need two willing hearts and a safe space to do the work.

Therapy: Is it worth it?

I remember one of the first times I went surfing during a big swell, the waves were suppose to be 7-9 feet with an occasional 11-foot wave. I decided I would go to one of my favorite local spots. As I made the mile trek across the warm sand, I was feeling both excited and anxious, because often those two go hand-in-hand. So many unknowns bouncing around in my head… Will I be able to paddle out in such large surf? Will I have enough energy to catch a wave if I do get out? What if I get held under, or pummeled by a huge wave? 

It reminded me of when I decided to see a therapist. There was an excitement to be able to work through some things, to grow, to heal. AND there were so many unknowns going into the first few sessions. Will this therapist understand me? Will they be able to help? Will I feel comfortable opening up to them? 

I started the long, 100-yard paddle to where the waves were breaking. About half way there my arms felt like noodles from diving under so many powerful waves. I was huffing and puffing, trying to catch my breath as I fought the rushing whitewater of every crashing wave. I felt like I was never going to make it to where the waves were forming. I found my self-talk saying, “just keep paddling. Don’t look back, just keep looking forward to where you want to go. You WILL get there.” With every stroke and breath these words became like a mantra or meditation for me. I knew if I looked back I would be discouraged at where I was and then I would have to fight the desire to give up.

In that moment, I realized this is like the process of therapy. It can be difficult, painful, and scary, with so many unknowns going into it. These are the moments that often bring the growth and healing. It’s not easy, AND that doesn’t mean its not good. 

As I got closer to the lineup, I could see the big dark bumps way out toward the horizon, which generally means set waves (waves that come in larger than the current waves) are coming. I kept my eyes on the set waves, and with each wave that came in I was barely able to dive under the wave before it crashed on me. There were 4 set waves that came through with one rogue wave. They are often called rogue waves because they are the biggest set waves, they seem to come out of no where, and will often take everyone out in its path. 

Life seems to throw rouge waves at us from time to time doesn’t it? Maybe everyday feels like you are being pummeled and pushed back. They feel like set backs, like all the work and progress we have done to move forward and find healing is lost. It can be so defeating. This is the process of deep growth. Often times we take a couple of steps forward and then get pushed back, and if we keep going and trust the process of therapy, over time, we will look back and see just how far we have come. 

After all the hard work of getting out to the line up, I finally caught one of those bigger waves. I will never forget the joy, and the feeling of riding a wave like that. It was worth every moment of the fight to get there.  Life can become joyful again. You will find healing. You will grow and really thrive in life. You are worth every moment of the fight to get there! 

What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.

What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes                                         

Social Anxiety Group

Prepare to Change non-profit is hosting a social anxiety group for adults. Please contact us if you or someone you know is interested in attending. 

Why We Fight With The People We Love The Most

Great short video of why we fight with the people we love the most. The heart of what intimacy can mean starts at about 2:19.

Overcoming addiction: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.

Addiction can wreak havoc, not only on the addict but friends, family, and many other people. What is it that one person can overcome addiction, while another person never finds freedom from the grips of addiction? What if our bonds, connections, and attachments could actually be a healing element to addiction? This interesting research points to the power of human connection.

If you or someone you know desires to break free from addiction, there is hope. A trained therapist can help.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Health and well-being awareness: Movemeber and No-Shave-November

It’s the beginning of November, the morning air is a little crisper, the smell of pumpkin spice is abundant, and many people are putting away their razors, growing out their hair, and exercising. Health and well-being is highly important, and I want to help bring awareness whenever I can.

You may have seen friends posting on social media about participating in Movember or No-Shave-November. I thought you might like to hear a bit of the back story on these organizations and what causes they support. 

Movemeber and No-Shave-November are non-profit organizations that help bring awareness to cancer and mental health in the month of November by challenging us to put away our razors, let our hair grow, and get some exercise. 

Movember encourages men to grow mustaches, and donate to cancer research, and mental health awareness. They have teamed up with The Prevention Institute, and Prostate Cancer Foundation, and give 82 cents of every dollar donated to help fight cancer. If you can’t grow a mustache but still would like to participate, you can also get active and Move for Movember.

No-Shave-November was founded by a family in Chicago after their father had lost his battle with colon cancer. The organization challenges all people to stop shaving and donate the money they would normally be spending on razors or waxing appointments. They have teamed up with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, American Cancer Society, and more to help stop cancer.

This year I have chosen to blend the two together by putting away my razor for the month to support cancer awareness, and taking the Move for Movember challenge for mental health awareness. Join me this November in helping fight cancer, and bringing awareness to mental health.

Below are statistics on cancer and mental health:

Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year

18% of the US population (40 million adults) is impacted by an anxiety disorder. Yet only 1/3 seek treatment

6.7% of the US population (15 million adults) is impacted by major depressive disorder.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and the rate of suicide is highest among middle aged white men.

We have all been impacted by cancer in one way or another, and it is often tragic. According to the National Cancer Institute an estimated 1,685,210 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. in 2016, and 595,690 will die. Some of the most common forms of cancer are breast cancer, lung cancer, prostate cancer, colon and rectum cancer, and bladder cancer. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

The 9 signs you need to know: Symptoms of depression

We all feel down from time to time, but how do you know if you are depressed, or simply just feeling down?

Depression doesn’t always look the same for everyone, symptoms can be gradual, inconspicuous, and not have a “normal” pattern. Mild depression may present as hitting snooze more often because you find it difficult to get out of bed. You may find yourself choosing to stay home instead of go out with friends. People might comment on how you seem more impatient or irritable lately.

So what is depression, and how can we begin to recognize the symptoms? First let’s start with how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or the DSM 5 defines it. Then in the next couple of blog posts, I will take some of the symptoms and describe how these symptoms may present gradually and subtly.

9 DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS

Someone who is experiencing depression (clinically known as major depressive episode) will have at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms for two weeks or more.

1. A depressed mood most of the day, almost every day, and might be subjectively described or reported by others as sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness.
2. Diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities most of the day, nearly every day. Includes sexual desire.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain.
4. Difficulty sleeping (insomnia), or excessive sleeping (hypersomnia) nearly every day.
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation (observable by others, not just subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
8. Diminished ability to think, concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.  

These symptoms will cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of life.

GETTING HELP

Depression is relentless and can be debilitating. If depression is left untreated, the average episode will last approximately 6 months to 2 years. Depression is very treatable! Here are a few ways to begin treatment if you or a loved one is experiencing depression.

• Create a safe environment: Blaming, or dismissing a person who is feeling depressed will often only exacerbate the feelings they already have. Be present, listen, and have an open discussion in a non-judgmental way.
• Listen for suicidal thoughts: If you or a loved one is considering harming himself or herself, immediate treatment is critical. Go to your nearest emergency room, contact a mental health provider, or contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255
• See a mental health professional: This can be a psychiatrist to help prescribe medications if necessary, or therapist who has experience treating depression.
• Find resources and support: There are several online resources like National Institutes of Mental Health and National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are support groups such as Depression Bipolar Support Alliance as well.

Over the next blog posts, I will discuss these symptoms more to help you identify the more subtle signs of depression.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Hidden in analogy: How to talk with people who are depressed

The emotional and physical expressions of depression can be extremely difficult to describe. Oftentimes, literal language falls short in conveying the depth of what it feels like to be depressed, because it can be subtle and nuanced. Depression isn’t as simple as feeling sad.

Throughout the years, artists, poets, and musicians have tried to use their talents to express the complexity of depression. Their ability communicate the raw, often crippling emotions that come with depression is what draws many people to deeply connect to their work.

Edvard Munch DESPAIR

I recently had an opportunity to do a workshop for people who struggle with severe depression. During our conversation, I asked them to describe what their depression feels like. At first it started off with one word adjectives such as sad, lonely, and empty. After a bit more discussion, people began to share deeper feelings such as hopeless, numb, despair, and shame. Then something amazing happened, it was as if the literal language didn’t suffice, and people started using analogies such as,

“I feel like I am lost in a dense fog,”

“I feel like I am treading water, and I can barely sip in air as the ocean engulfs me,”

“it’s like a waterboarding of your soul,”

“I feel like I am an abandoned building, I am physically there but there is no life in me.”

People who are struggling with depression want to be heard and they long to be understood. They want to know they are not alone in this, and that there is hope, even if they don't feel like there is.

Unfortunately, depression is often viewed as a weakness. Some people think the depressed person just needs to snap out of it and work harder, or that it’s all in their head. Because of this stigma, people with depression can feel misunderstood or dismissed which often affirms a critical internal voice that says they are worthless and unlovable, and can exacerbate the feelings of depression. Sadly, many people will not seek help even though depression is very treatable.  

If you’re concerned that you or someone you know may be struggling with depression, pay attention to the analogies and body language as depression is often clothed in phrases like the ones above.

How to talk to someone about depression

Talking to someone who is depressed can elicit feelings of uncertainty of what to say and how to say it. You may find yourself feeling helpless as you watch them struggle in their depression. Oftentimes, you’ll notice that you may want to give them advice on how to feel better. It is important to remember that you don’t have to try to “fix” the person, but compassionate listening can show that you care and are there to support them.

Here are some ways you can begin a conversation:

“I have noticed that you seem down lately, and wondered how you are feeling?”

“I have noticed some changes in you recently, and I wanted to check in with you.”

“I have been feeling concerned about you lately, how have you been doing?”

Things you can say that can be helpful:

“You are important to me. Your life is important to me.”

“I might not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to support you.”

“You are not alone in this. I am here for you, and we will get through this together.”

“Let’s talk to a doctor and/or therapist together.”

Listening, encouragement and support can bring great hope, and it can all begin by being attuned to the analogies and body language, and knowing the signs of depression. In the next blog post I will discuss the symptoms of depression, and then expand on how those symptoms may be gradual and subtle.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Orlando: Responding to the tragedy of evil violence.

As I read the news of the tragedy that unfolded in Orlando on Sunday, I found myself reading article after article in shock and disbelief. I kept saying out loud, "not another shooting!" Soon I was at a loss for words, and sat in silence staring at pictures as my computer screen went to black. There were no words that could adequately describe the atrocity that occurred, and the feelings welling up inside me.

Painting by Alexis Burt of AMB Home Design

I began to think about the family members, the friends, the partners that were called in the middle of the night. Those who frantically rushed to the hospital to hold their loved ones hand, to be there when they woke up from surgery, or to say good-bye. Tears began to fall as I mourned with, and for those who have lost.

President Obama has described this as an "act of terror and an act of hate." This violence is also an act of evil and complete disregard for all humanity, and human dignity. In my anger, I wonder how many more people need to suffer?! How many more people need to die before something changes?! When will the violence and evil stop? How can it be stopped? 

Photo by Jere Keys #WeAreOrlando

People from all around the world are standing in solidarity with those in Orlando, this has impacted us all. This single event has united the world in a way that has shown great compassion, concern, and love. It is in this space that healing from the tragedy of evil violence can begin.

Here are some resources to help communicate your experience.

NIMH- coping with traumatic events

NIMH- parents helping children and adolescents cope with violence and disasters

PBS- parents talking with kids about violence and news

 Victim of crimes

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.