The Myth of the Perfect Fit: Why Healthy Relationships Need Friction

I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say something like this:

“Why is this relationship so hard!”

“Why can’t they just meet my need without me telling them?”

“If they could just understand me…”

I get it. We all grow up with some version of the idea that the “right” relationship should feel effortless. That we are supposed to find “the person,” to fall in love with, and everything just works.

But the truth of it is, healthy love needs friction.

Friction is not necessarily a sign that things are broken or wrong. It’s often the substance that creates relationships to grow.

Where the “Perfect Fit” Fantasy Comes From

Many of us enter relationships carrying hopes that we are not even fully aware of. Deep down, we might be longing for someone who just “gets us” without us needing to explain. Someone who will soothe our fears, meet our needs without asking, and understands us.

That hope often comes from very early experiences, like the times we were held, and the times we were let down. There are experiences from childhood that tell us, “Maybe this time, it will different. Maybe this time, I’ll get what I didn’t get.”

It’s tender. It’s human. And it’s also a fantasy. No partner, no matter how loving and connected they are, can fully meet our needs. But every fantasy tells a story of deep meaning and longing.

Friction is Where Growth Happens

What looks like “we are not a perfect match,” is often just two people bumping into each other’s stories. One person might pull away when they feel overwhelmed. The other might reach for closeness when they are scared. Both reactions make sense in context, but without understanding, they can feel like rejection or attack.

That bump, what we often call conflict or misalignment, isn’t a flaw in the relationship. It’s the start of a deeper conversation. It’s the chance to ask:

What is this really about?

When couples can get curious instead of reactive, friction becomes an opportunity not a threat.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

Loving someone means you’re going to hurt each other sometimes. Not intentionally hurt each other, but because you are human, and you are two different people, with two different stories, and you both have lived through pain, it’s inevitable.

But it also means you have the chance to show up in ways that maybe no one has before. To listen more deeply. To slow down. To stay emotionally present when things get hard.

And over time, that kind of love can start to rewrite old stories, not by being perfect, but by being willing to stay connected, present, and open.

Love That Includes Friction

The kind of love that really changes us isn’t about seamless compatibility. Let’s be honest eventually that would get boring and dull. It’s about having the courage to stay connected even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.

The rub is where your story meet’s your partner’s story. Where old wounds collide. Where something vulnerable longs to be seen.

And when you both choose to stay open, curious, and kind, you are not just building a relationship. You are building something deep and healthy.

Ready to Grow Through the Friction

If you and your partner are stuck in a loop, or feel like you keep hitting a wall, you are not alone and you are not broken. This might actually be the doorway into something deeper and more meaningful.

I specialize in helping couples navigate these turning points with compassion and depth. If you are ready to explore the emotional undercurrents in your relationship and reconnect in a more meaningful way, I am here to help.

Feel free to reach out for a free consultation.

You don’t need a perfect fit, you just need two willing hearts and a safe space to do the work.

Therapy: Is it worth it?

I remember one of the first times I went surfing during a big swell, the waves were suppose to be 7-9 feet with an occasional 11-foot wave. I decided I would go to one of my favorite local spots. As I made the mile trek across the warm sand, I was feeling both excited and anxious, because often those two go hand-in-hand. So many unknowns bouncing around in my head… Will I be able to paddle out in such large surf? Will I have enough energy to catch a wave if I do get out? What if I get held under, or pummeled by a huge wave? 

It reminded me of when I decided to see a therapist. There was an excitement to be able to work through some things, to grow, to heal. AND there were so many unknowns going into the first few sessions. Will this therapist understand me? Will they be able to help? Will I feel comfortable opening up to them? 

I started the long, 100-yard paddle to where the waves were breaking. About half way there my arms felt like noodles from diving under so many powerful waves. I was huffing and puffing, trying to catch my breath as I fought the rushing whitewater of every crashing wave. I felt like I was never going to make it to where the waves were forming. I found my self-talk saying, “just keep paddling. Don’t look back, just keep looking forward to where you want to go. You WILL get there.” With every stroke and breath these words became like a mantra or meditation for me. I knew if I looked back I would be discouraged at where I was and then I would have to fight the desire to give up.

In that moment, I realized this is like the process of therapy. It can be difficult, painful, and scary, with so many unknowns going into it. These are the moments that often bring the growth and healing. It’s not easy, AND that doesn’t mean its not good. 

As I got closer to the lineup, I could see the big dark bumps way out toward the horizon, which generally means set waves (waves that come in larger than the current waves) are coming. I kept my eyes on the set waves, and with each wave that came in I was barely able to dive under the wave before it crashed on me. There were 4 set waves that came through with one rogue wave. They are often called rogue waves because they are the biggest set waves, they seem to come out of no where, and will often take everyone out in its path. 

Life seems to throw rouge waves at us from time to time doesn’t it? Maybe everyday feels like you are being pummeled and pushed back. They feel like set backs, like all the work and progress we have done to move forward and find healing is lost. It can be so defeating. This is the process of deep growth. Often times we take a couple of steps forward and then get pushed back, and if we keep going and trust the process of therapy, over time, we will look back and see just how far we have come. 

After all the hard work of getting out to the line up, I finally caught one of those bigger waves. I will never forget the joy, and the feeling of riding a wave like that. It was worth every moment of the fight to get there.  Life can become joyful again. You will find healing. You will grow and really thrive in life. You are worth every moment of the fight to get there! 

What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.

Overcoming addiction: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.

Addiction can wreak havoc, not only on the addict but friends, family, and many other people. What is it that one person can overcome addiction, while another person never finds freedom from the grips of addiction? What if our bonds, connections, and attachments could actually be a healing element to addiction? This interesting research points to the power of human connection.

If you or someone you know desires to break free from addiction, there is hope. A trained therapist can help.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

How can I tell if my relationship is in trouble?

How can I tell if my marriage/relationship is in trouble?

I hear this question asked from time to time in therapy, and it is a valid question. Most people believe since they fight that their relationship is coming to the inevitable end. But fighting isn't always the reason relationships don't last., In fact many couples are stunned when I tell them fighting can actually strengthen a relationship, if both people are able to turn towards one another and repair, rather than staying a distance while defending or attacking. 

In this video, Dr. Sue Johnson explains the science behind what can keep couples together, and what can dissolve their relationship. It is worth watching the 5:45 video. And if you and/or your partner are asking yourself if the end of the relationship is near, there is hope to have a healthy and thriving relationship if both of you are wanting and willing to work at it. I would be happy to answer any questions you have or talk with you over the phone to see if therapy would be a good fit. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

The "SHOULDS" of Christmas: holiday expectations and stress

Christmas is the time of year where we are to be jolly, generous, and grateful. And yet, often times the holiday "shoulds" can carry stress and expectations that can leave us feeling guilty, irritable, depressed, or anything but happy. If you find yourself saying or thinking "I should..," this holiday season, here is a short article by Dr. Susan Noonan that may help. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusahttps://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/view-the-mist/201611/holiday-expectations-and-stress Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.