How Therapy Actually Works (and Why It’s Not Just Talking)

Many people come into therapy expecting advice, quick relief, or a few new tools. What surprises them most is that therapy is not about fixing you. It is about understanding you.

At first, therapy might feel like just talking. You share what has been happening, your struggles, and your history. But something deeper begins to unfold. Over time, the relationship itself becomes the space where healing starts to take shape.

1. Therapy is a Relationship, Not a Prescription
Good therapy is not about a therapist telling you what to do. It is about two people paying close attention to what happens between them. That relationship becomes a mirror, showing patterns that play out in the rest of your life. The goal is not advice. It is awareness and growth that come from being understood in a new way.

2. Talking Opens the Door, But Feeling Creates Change
Words help you describe what happened. Feelings show you how it still lives inside you. In therapy, talking creates safety, and when that safety deepens, emotion follows. Feeling what was once avoided is what actually creates change.

3. Healing Is Slow, Subtle, and Often Invisible at First
Therapy does not usually come with big “aha” moments every week. It is more like learning a new language for your inner world. Change shows up quietly. You notice less reactivity, more clarity, and more compassion toward yourself. Life begins to feel different even when the circumstances have not changed much.

4. The Therapist Holds the Space, But You Do the Work
Good therapy is a collaboration. Your therapist can hold space, reflect, and guide you toward insight, but the healing happens as you risk honesty, stay curious, and allow yourself to feel. The courage to show up again and again is where the real work happens.

5. Over Time, You Become Your Own Therapist
The deeper purpose of therapy is not dependence. It is integration. Over time, you internalize the voice of understanding that your therapist once offered. You begin to offer it to yourself.

That is when you know therapy has worked. Life does not necessarily become easy. It is that you are no longer alone inside your experience.

When Couples Get Stuck in a Double Bind

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, it’s wrong? Or that you can’t win in a conversation with your partner? If so, you might be experiencing a double bind.

A double bind happens when you receive two conflicting messages, and responding to one seems to make the other worse. For example: your partner might say, “I need more closeness from you,” but then pull away when you try to get closer. Or they might demand honesty but react angrily when you share your feelings. The harder you try to get it “right,” the more stuck you feel.

Double binds are frustrating because the messages often feel invisible or unspoken. They aren’t about blame, they’re patterns that trap both partners, creating confusion, tension, and sometimes resentment.

Breaking the Cycle: What Couples Can Do

While double binds are tricky, there are practical ways to navigate them. Here are some strategies couples can try:

1. Name the Pattern
   Simply noticing and naming the double bind can reduce its power. For example, saying, “I feel stuck because it seems like whatever I do frustrates you,” opens up awareness without blame. Naming the pattern helps both partners step back from reactive behaviors.

2. Clarify the Messages
   Often, double binds involve mixed or hidden expectations. Take time to clarify what your partner really wants. Ask open-ended questions: “Can you tell me what closeness feels like to you?” or “What does honesty look like for you in this situation?” This prevents assumptions and misinterpretations.

3. Pause Before Reacting
   When emotions run high, reactions can feed the cycle. Try pausing to breathe, reflect, and choose your response instead of reacting automatically. Even a short pause saying, “I want to respond, but I need a moment,” can prevent escalation.

4. Use “I” Statements
   Focus on expressing your experience rather than pointing out your partner’s “mistakes.” For instance: “I feel anxious when I sense mixed messages,” instead of, “You always confuse me.” This reduces defensiveness and encourages dialogue.

5. Agree on Safe Check-Ins
   Create a routine for checking in with each other when conflicts arise. For example, you might agree: “If we feel stuck, we’ll take 10 minutes to share our perspective calmly before continuing the discussion.” Structured check-ins provide space to hear each other without getting trapped in the pattern.

6. Seek Support Early
   While these strategies can help, double binds can be persistent. Couples therapy provides guidance in identifying hidden patterns, practicing new communication skills, and repairing emotional distance. Early support often prevents small issues from becoming entrenched conflicts.

Double binds may feel inescapable, but couples can learn to recognize the patterns, communicate more clearly, and reconnect. It takes awareness, practice, and sometimes guidance, but the results are worth it: less confusion, less frustration, and a deeper sense of connection.

What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes