When Two Become Three: Understanding Triangulation in Relationships

In many relationships, tension can build quietly, leaving partners unsure how to express their needs directly. Triangulation is a common pattern that emerges when one partner turns to a third person, entity, or even an activity to voice frustration, seek validation, or cope with conflict. While often unintentional, triangulation can create distance and misunderstanding over time.

Seeking Validation Elsewhere
One partner shares frustration about a recurring argument with a friend or family member, saying, “You know how hard it is to get them to see my point.” The listener offers support, but the partner never addresses the issue directly. Meanwhile, the other partner senses an unspoken tension, leaving both feeling disconnected.

Indirect Communication
During a shared moment, one partner hints at dissatisfaction about responsibilities, framing it as something others would understand. The partner on the receiving end may notice the comment but feels the concern is aimed elsewhere. Instead of opening a direct conversation, the tension lingers quietly.

Using Third Parties to Influence
Sometimes, a partner involves a child or family member in subtle ways, encouraging them to take sides. While this may provide temporary relief, it often leaves the other partner feeling isolated and frustrated, with the original conflict unresolved.

Emotional Outsourcing
Turning to colleagues or social groups for emotional support after a disagreement can feel comforting. Yet, returning home with that validation can create an emotional gap between partners, as the unspoken issues remain unaddressed.

Triangulation reflects deeper relational dynamics, including fear of confrontation, avoidance, or unmet emotional needs. It is rarely malicious, but it signals an opportunity for mindful engagement. Awareness of these patterns, along with therapy-supported strategies, helps partners move from indirect communication to authentic dialogue. By practicing vulnerability and direct expression, partners can foster understanding, rebuild connection, and address conflict without needing a third party.

5 Common Patterns That Block Healing After an Affair

Infidelity is one of the deepest ruptures a couple can experience. It shakes trust, safety, and identity. Many couples want to know: “Can we ever come back from this?” The answer isn’t about going back to what you had before. It’s about creating something new, together, with more honesty, depth, and intimacy.

Healing from an affair depends on how two inner worlds meet and shape each other in the aftermath of betrayal. Infidelity isn’t only about broken trust, it also raises questions about desire, identity, and meaning.

Yet many couples get caught in common patterns that can stall their healing. Naming these patterns can help partners notice them sooner and find a different way forward.

1. Rushing to “Forgive and Forget”

• Skipping past the grief and anger denies the emotional reality between partners. Both pain and shame need space to be acknowledged together.

• Infidelity isn’t just about sex; it often reflects unmet needs or a search for aliveness. Ignoring this deeper meaning keeps couples from truly rebuilding.

2. Getting Stuck in Interrogation Mode

• Endless questioning can become a defense against closeness, looping the couple in trauma rather than healing.

• Curiosity can be healing, but surveillance is not. Recovery requires shifting from detective work to meaningful dialogue.

3. Reducing the Relationship to “The Affair”

• When the entire relationship is defined by betrayal, couples lose sight of the complexity of their shared history.

• An affair reveals fractures but doesn’t erase the whole. Couples must hold the paradox: the betrayal matters, and it’s not the only story.

4. Treating Healing as an Individual Task

• Partners profoundly affect each other’s healing. Triggers and defenses reverberate between them. Repair happens in the space between, not in isolation.

• Both must take responsibility, not for the affair equally, but for the co-creation of what comes next in the rebuilding process.

5. Avoiding Desire and Intimacy Conversations

• Sexuality often becomes charged with shame or fear post-affair. Avoiding these conversations leaves intimacy fractured.

• Infidelity forces couples to face questions of desire and eroticism. Healing isn’t just about safety; it’s also about reawakening vitality and connection.

Closing Thought

Healing from an affair is not about returning to “how things used to be.” It’s about stepping into something new, where both partners face the uncomfortable truths about themselves, each other, and their relationship. With honesty, courage, and support, couples can move beyond survival into deeper intimacy.

Hope for Hurting Relationships: How couples therapy can help heal.

Research is showing that couples who feel safe and connected with their partners provide comfort and confidence in times of uncertainty and pain, and calm our fears.

The quality of these connections have profound implications not just on how content and satisfied we are, but also our ability to face life's most difficult challenges. It also has effects on our emotional and mental well-being.

Couple's therapy provide the space to develop the closeness and security we desire in our relationships.

Here is a short video by Dr. Sue Johnson giving a short description of the research on couples therapy.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.