When Love Gets Tough, Liking Each Other Matters Most

Love is often painted as the glue that holds a couple together. And it is. But love can also be elusive in hard moments, when trust is frayed, when exhaustion outweighs affection, when the past barges into the present, uninvited. In those moments, it isn’t always love that carries you through. It’s something quieter, often overlooked, but no less vital:

Do you like each other?

Not in the heady, “we like all the same music” kind of way. But in the deeper, steadier sense. Do you like who your partner is when the romantic fog lifts? Do you like how they treat people, how they speak about their friends, how they respond when things don’t go their way? Do you like how they repair after hurting you, or try to?

Because here’s the truth: Love can survive for a time without liking. But a relationship can’t thrive that way.

In therapy, I often see couples who love each other deeply but are worn down by resentment, criticism, and chronic disappointment. They say things like, “Of course I love him… I just can’t stand being around him right now.” Or, “I know she loves me, but I don’t think she respects me anymore.” What they're describing isn’t a lack of love. It’s the absence of liking.

Liking makes room for playfulness when things feel heavy, and for patience when everything else is fraying. It’s what allows you to say, “I’m furious with you right now, and I still want to sit next to you on the couch.”

Liking someone means you still see their humanity, even when you're hurt. It means you remember what’s good about them, even when what's hard feels the loudest. It’s the thing that helps you reach for their hand not because everything is okay, but because you both want it to be.

So if you’re in a rough patch, ask yourself not just “Do I still love them?” but “Do I still like them?” And if the answer feels distant, don’t panic. That distance can be closed. Sometimes liking each other again is a process of rediscovery: learning how to laugh together again, how to listen without defensiveness, how to be curious about each other instead of critical.

Love may be the heart of the relationship. But liking is what lets that heart keep beating, even when it’s bruised.

Because when love gets hard, and it always will, it’s liking each other that reminds us why we ever wanted to try in the first place.