Holiday Stress and Your Relationship: Why Couples Fight More This Time of Year

/ Dustin Shultz/

The holidays have a way of magnifying whatever is already happening beneath the surface… the tenderness, the joy, the pressure, the exhaustion, the unresolved conversations, the family dynamics you thought you’d outgrown.

For many couples, this season becomes the perfect storm. Suddenly you’re not just managing your day-to-day life together, you’re navigating schedules, traditions, financial strain, travel, and the emotional weight of family expectations. And all of that lands right on top of the places where the two of you are most vulnerable.

It’s Not That You’re Fighting About Nothing

Most couples tell me they’re arguing over the small things, how the schedule should go, who’s responsible for what, where you’re spending the day, who bought which gift, the tone someone used when they were tired.

But these moments are rarely about logistics.

They’re about the deeper longings underneath:

  • I want to feel supported.

  • I want to feel like we’re on the same team.

  • I want to know my needs matter too.

  • I want to feel close to you instead of alone in this.

When the season gets heavy, your nervous system gets tight. And when your nervous system gets tight, old protective patterns show up. One partner may get sharper, more controlling, or more intense. The other may shut down, withdraw, or freeze. Two different protective systems trying their best, and inadvertently bumping up against each other.

Why It Happens More During the Holidays

There are a few reasons this season hits harder:

1. Emotional overload from family dynamics
Even if you love your family, being around them often pulls you back into old roles. It’s hard to stay present with your partner when you’re also managing history.

2. Increased expectations
The holidays carry subtle pressure: to be cheerful, to host well, to “make it special,” to not disappoint anyone. Pressure rarely brings out our softest edges.

3. Fatigue and overstimulation
More plans, more people, more travel, more noise, less downtime, it’s the perfect recipe for emotional misreads and reactive moments.

4. Fewer opportunities to repair
When your schedule gets packed, the small disconnections pile up faster than you have time to address them.

The Fights Aren’t the Problem… the Disconnection Is

When couples come to me during the holidays, I’m rarely concerned about the arguments themselves. Arguments are part of relationship. What matters is how quickly you can come back into connection.

That means noticing:

  • What is actually happening inside me right now?

  • What am I protecting?

  • What am I longing for?

  • How can I reach for my partner without blaming or withdrawing?

Sometimes the most healing moment is not fixing the issue, it’s naming the tenderness underneath.

How to Stay Connected in a Season That Pulls You Apart

Here are a few grounding practices:

1. Slow the moment down
If you feel the escalation coming, pause. Even two seconds of breath can interrupt a cycle.

2. Name the need, not the flaw
“I’m overwhelmed and I need a minute,” lands differently than, “You never help.”

3. Check in before big gatherings
A simple “What do you think we’ll each need today?” can prevent a lot of hurt feelings.

4. Repair quickly and gently
You don’t have to have the perfect words. You just need a soft opening.

5. Protect your connection, not the holiday expectations
You can always change a plan. You can’t undo words spoken from overwhelm.

May your connection stay steady enough to hold the stress, flexible enough to adapt, and warm enough to remind you that you are on the same team.