Why every healthy realtionship needs boundaries

I know these two couples.

One is working toward a thriving, vibrant relationship. This couple continues to work through their anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment and loss, and is developing more connection through it all.

One continues arguing, and wonders if the misery will ever end.

Both of these couples entered into therapy because it was their last effort at trying to make the relationship work. We all have gotten to a place where we have felt:

Dismissed

Devalued

Disappointed

Abandoned

Betrayed

Insignificant  

Unloved

And we have all wanted our spouse or partner to deeply love us and respect us.

Both couples had so much built up resentment and contempt. Anger and attacking words flowed out of their mouths like venom, looking to destroy their partner. And as they expressed their contempt and disappointment, both couples seemed to use similar language.

“I did everything for them.” “I gave them so much.”

“I worked so hard for them.” “They didn’t notice when I…”

“I was always there for them.” “I could never win with them.”

“They never appreciated…”

There were boundaries being crossed and over time, crossed boundaries build resentment. It is difficult to have genuine love and care for someone, while they are violating your boundaries. In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as:

“what is ok and what is not ok.”

We all have boundaries, what we are ok with and what we are not ok with. One sign of a healthy relationship is when couples are able to acknowledge, communicate, and honor those boundaries. There will always be those people who continue to violate our boundaries, and we will have to hold them accountable for the way they treat us. Yes, this takes courage and work to initiate, and it may feel scary and overwhelming. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that it’s easier to blame and live in resentment. But it actually takes more vital energy to live in this resentment and we degrade our self-worth. Choosing what is healthy for us over what is easy or comfortable can be difficult, and it is also more life giving.

So how do you create boundaries?

When creating boundaries remember to start small, and with relatively neutral topics at first.

1)     It’s important to recognize and understand what you are feeling.

Clear boundaries starts with knowing how we feel. Take some time by yourself and reflect on how you are feeling. Then write down what happened and how it made you feel so you can articulate it. Example: “When I am not included in making plans for the dinner, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

2)     Recognize how your boundaries have been violated and what you might need.

Now process what you wrote down, and see how your boundaries were crossed. Write that down. Example: “It’s not ok with me when I am not asked or included. I need to be included in making decision by being asked and considered.”   

3)     Have support in place.

When boundaries are being formed there can often be 1) feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and/or fear from you, and 2) retaliation from the other person. A support system can help you stay grounded, help comfort, and remind you that you are worth the effort. This can be family, church, therapist, coworker, or friend.

4)     Be brave, and communicate your boundaries.

If you find your partner wanting to argue, be defensive, or retaliate, those are indications your partner is not respecting your boundary or your self-worth. Stay out of resentment and disappointment by not giving in and by blaming less. Remember boundaries are not just a sign of healthy relationships; they are also a sign of healthy well-being.

If you would like to know more about boundaries or if you would like to start couples counseling, click here to schedule an appointment.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life

Best Parenting Qualities: The adventure of getting lost with your kids.

Every year for Thanksgiving my family visits extended family in Northern California. On our way up there, we were driving in the middle of nowhere, on a two lane highway, stuck in horrendous traffic. There was an accident that left miles of cars at a standstill, and it appeared as if we were going to be stuck for hours. We had already been driving for four hours, and everyone was a little antsy. Luckily we were right next to an off ramp. I asked my wife and kids if we should get off and try to find another way. To my amazement they all said yes, and so off we went. If I would have known what was about to transpire, I would have done this years ago!

Before we knew it, the roads ended and the dirt trails going through fields and orchards began. We could no longer see the freeway, but we knew the general direction we were suppose to go. With every fork in the road we had to make decisions of which way to turn. At first they were calculated guesstimates that kept us going in a direction we felt we needed to go. I would often ask my kids, which way do you think we should go? Together as a family we would decide, and then go. The more we drove, the less this became about getting back to the proper path, and the more it became an adventure to enjoy. As I drove faster on these dirt roads, the kids started shouting out directions, and the laughter, excitement, and nervousness filled the car. At one point I knew we were lost, there were no signs, no roads, no people, and we were in the middle of an orchard with nothing around for miles, and the whole family was having fun and working together.

To this day my kids tell their favorite story of the time we got lost on the way to Thanksgiving, and they still laugh when they tell it. It also taught me a valuable lesson about parenting. I learned the importance of giving our kids the space to lead the parents by making decisions where they can fail, get lost, and work together as a family. This models just how much you trust them, how to give up control and empower others, and that they can survive and overcome anything because they have the support of their family.    

We eventually found our way back to the highway. As we drove along the two lane road, all four of us were looking at the orchards to our left, knowing how much more fun it was just on the other side of that chain link fence.

For more reading on this check out Let’s Get Lost by Megan McBride.

Feel free to contact me if you want to develop more of these types of parenting qualities, by clicking here.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.