The Myth of the Perfect Fit: Why Healthy Relationships Need Friction

I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say something like this:

“Why is this relationship so hard!”

“Why can’t they just meet my need without me telling them?”

“If they could just understand me…”

I get it. We all grow up with some version of the idea that the “right” relationship should feel effortless. That we are supposed to find “the person,” to fall in love with, and everything just works.

But the truth of it is, healthy love needs friction.

Friction is not necessarily a sign that things are broken or wrong. It’s often the substance that creates relationships to grow.

Where the “Perfect Fit” Fantasy Comes From

Many of us enter relationships carrying hopes that we are not even fully aware of. Deep down, we might be longing for someone who just “gets us” without us needing to explain. Someone who will soothe our fears, meet our needs without asking, and understands us.

That hope often comes from very early experiences, like the times we were held, and the times we were let down. There are experiences from childhood that tell us, “Maybe this time, it will different. Maybe this time, I’ll get what I didn’t get.”

It’s tender. It’s human. And it’s also a fantasy. No partner, no matter how loving and connected they are, can fully meet our needs. But every fantasy tells a story of deep meaning and longing.

Friction is Where Growth Happens

What looks like “we are not a perfect match,” is often just two people bumping into each other’s stories. One person might pull away when they feel overwhelmed. The other might reach for closeness when they are scared. Both reactions make sense in context, but without understanding, they can feel like rejection or attack.

That bump, what we often call conflict or misalignment, isn’t a flaw in the relationship. It’s the start of a deeper conversation. It’s the chance to ask:

What is this really about?

When couples can get curious instead of reactive, friction becomes an opportunity not a threat.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

Loving someone means you’re going to hurt each other sometimes. Not intentionally hurt each other, but because you are human, and you are two different people, with two different stories, and you both have lived through pain, it’s inevitable.

But it also means you have the chance to show up in ways that maybe no one has before. To listen more deeply. To slow down. To stay emotionally present when things get hard.

And over time, that kind of love can start to rewrite old stories, not by being perfect, but by being willing to stay connected, present, and open.

Love That Includes Friction

The kind of love that really changes us isn’t about seamless compatibility. Let’s be honest eventually that would get boring and dull. It’s about having the courage to stay connected even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.

The rub is where your story meet’s your partner’s story. Where old wounds collide. Where something vulnerable longs to be seen.

And when you both choose to stay open, curious, and kind, you are not just building a relationship. You are building something deep and healthy.

Ready to Grow Through the Friction

If you and your partner are stuck in a loop, or feel like you keep hitting a wall, you are not alone and you are not broken. This might actually be the doorway into something deeper and more meaningful.

I specialize in helping couples navigate these turning points with compassion and depth. If you are ready to explore the emotional undercurrents in your relationship and reconnect in a more meaningful way, I am here to help.

Feel free to reach out for a free consultation.

You don’t need a perfect fit, you just need two willing hearts and a safe space to do the work.